...In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
to a river so deep.

I've been searching for something
taken out of my soul
Something I would never lose
something somebody stole.

I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't wanna walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I finally find what it is I've been looking for…
The River Of Dreams lyrics ~ Billy Joel

I dropped by home to get my second wind, resupply, and catch my breath before I head back out into the vast Sonoran desert, on the most critical trek of my life. During my brief respite, I discovered that my electronic mail box is stuffed with notices of private messages at the Pacemaker Club, so, I thought I’d check in quickly to let my friend know why I’ve been absent. I decided not to read the messages waiting, and hope those who sent them will forgive me, you know I love you it’s just that my heart just isn’t in it right now.

Have you ever misplaced something, then, fixated on that, and, gone absolutely and totally bonkers searching for it, to no avail? It becomes your sole focus and you can’t think of anything else, you spend every waking moment on the endeavor to find it, often searching the same location over and over in the frantic search. Don’t you just hate when you are on a mission and forget what it was?

That’s where I’ve been recently, out languishing in the Arizona heat, performing that manly task of hunting, searching for something dear to me that I lost and cannot for the life of me figure out where it could be. I know, Sarak Palin hunts, but remember we aren’t supposed to discuss politics.

What an exciting time that’s been. Hasn’t been without challenges, I’m telling you, the experience has stressed me and my defibrillator to the limits of endurance. You probably don’t want to hear the story, and most wouldn’t believe me anyway, so I’ll tell it.

First the cheap GPS system utilizing a LOM (loss of memory device) instead of a microprocessor chip. For those who’re novices at electronics, the device forgets where you’ve been, and where you’re going, but mis-directs you without waivering. I circled the same spot for hours before I realized it was my bathroom and changed direction. Great piece of technology, invented by our very own …

Then there is the abundance of hazardous wildlife that in Arizona, sand sharks, jumping cactus that hold olympic records, jackalopes, roadrunners, and the infamous chupacabara. For the uninitiated, Chupacabra are legendary in Mexican culture, and are notorious for sucking the blood out of goats, fortunately this old goats’ rate response didn’t kick in and the beast couldn’t get adequate blood flow to make it worthwhile.

Our trek led us into the wilderness so remote that we had to make camp over night. I awoke the first morning in the tent and as I opened my eyes, there, staring me in the face was Evil itself. This thing was so frightening that my pace maker function stopped. Instinct kicked in. I reached behind for my ironwood walking stick and began to pummel the apparition repeatedly until I was sure it could not survive. I then gave it a few more whacks to make sure. I searched for my glasses to inspect the dead carcass, and as it came into focus, a cold chill coursed through me. How do I tell the head guide I just destroyed his false teeth?

Due to the head guide’s loss of communication skills, I was placed at the lead of the search party. I swelled with both pride and CHF as I deluded myself into believing this was an acknowledgement and recognition of my extensive leadership skills. As my team slogged through the Arizona desert an incident happened that brought me back to reality and made me realize that my self aggrandizement was unwarranted, and delusional at best. About an hour into our trek, on day two, as we navigated the rugged terrain, I turned to better hear conversation from the search party, but it turned out their discussion was the classic “are we there yet”. I turned back to my task in disgust just as my wrong foot came down onto a massive five foot long tree lying across the clearing. Yep, you guessed it, I twisted my ankle and fell face down into the prickly pear cactus.

Many of you know I’m not the quickest mind around so it’ll come as no surprise that as I fell, I finally grasped the reality that trees do not slither. That object stretched in my path was a seven foot diamond back rattle snake. It was at that point my mind also registered that I was in fact the sacrificial lamb of the group. On a positive note, not only did the incident test my defibrillator function, but as luck would have it, it went off just as the serpent struck and we were able to have ICD roasted rattler for dinner that night.

We had to finally come back to civilization to get my batteries recharged and gather more supplies before going back out attempting to complete my goal. I’m a man, and cannot admit defeat if it means staying out in the wilds forever, I will find my elusive prey. I have been hunting for my sense of humor, and until I find it, I doubt I’ll be back.

So if any of you happen to see it, let me know. In the interim, take care my friend.

PS: By the way, could someone sign me up for the Biggest Loser (weight loss) contest you are having. Put me down for 125 pounds over the next 6 (six) weeks… my divorce should be finalized by then.

 

 

I can see that you are experiencing quite a trek. I am hoping that you are able to find what you are seeking, I have seen your sense of humor and I am truly missing it now. I can't even begin to understand how you misplaced it.

I can say that I miss you... I miss your wit, your friendship and your sense of humor. I pray that they are returned to you and that you return to us soon.

I pray for your safety. You know how I hate snakes!
Pacergirl

 

My Dearest Patch….

1. You will board a flight from Yuma Marine Corps Air Station – I chose that one, because as well as yummy men in uniform, I thought you might appreciate the female variety!

2. As it is probably around a 10 hour flight, I will let you sit nearest the toilet. You can even take your own roll of ultra soft triple ply with you! You can watch really fabulous wildlife programmes on the tiny little screen in front of you – all about trekking in the mountains looking for that certain something, whilst tripping over huge rattlesnakes. This will then be followed by every disaster movie plane crash to settle you in for the long journey ahead. No pillow? Simply take the yellow blow up thing under your chair pull the tag and place behind your head…… the attached whistle is for attracting the attention of the Air Hostess who has once again, ignored your 7th request for a large whisky.

3. Sadly, you have to sit next to the large, snoring male doing wonderful impressions of a Great Grizzly Bear who is covered in fleas and has an uncanny knack for sounding like Barbara Streisand when he asks for another packet of peanuts. Oh, and did I mention the onion breath?

4. You made it…… whilst everyone scoots off the plane first…. Because it is a race to get your luggage first….. you sit and stretch and ignore the sweat patches on the arm rests next to you where the Grizzly Barbara Streisand Bear was clinging on for dear life when the plane swooped suddenly as the pilot decided to flip a page of the magazine he was reading…’How to re-start a plane, 30,000,00 feet up in the air’…..

5. You smile politely at the air-hostess as she drags you out of your seat…. You had dozed off and she thought the worst…

6. You amble to the carousel where one lone suit-case is going round and round and ….. round. A nice little number, dark leather with an interesting yellow tape around it saying….. ‘Crime Scene’ . and is that a smudge of finger print powder? You groan as you notice a dark stain on the side of the case, You assume the ‘sniffer dogs’ got over-excited but no it was only your Davidoff Blue Water (mmmmmm!) that has leaked everywhere.

7. You grab your dizzy suitcase and now, to Customs. Why is it we ALL look guilty as we pass through the security area that claims to keep us safe from drugs, excess cigarettes and alcohol, dodgy looking phallic souvenirs, big sombreros and the odd rattle snake that has wrapped itself round all your beautifully packed medication. You decline the stirp-search…. Unless it is by the blonde one in the high heels – just over there, ….. who then turns round to reveal it is in fact ….. a male… oooops!

8. A tired Patch, pushes wearily through the glass doors to see other intrepid passengers being met by their loved ones, drug pushers, drunken aunts etc…. and then he squints to see is a mad, crazy blonde leaping up and down, holding a sign that simply says…. PATCH! LET’S HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Do-able, and if you think you have lost your sense of humour (which I personally think is taking a short weekend break to Vegas – I want to go there too!…) , I want you to know, if you ever want to escape the rat(tlesnake) race etc, you only have to pick up the phone, and let me know. Yes, I know you don’t like travelling much but the alternative is for me to pop over and ‘hunt you down’ with my own sense of humour pack – that comes in all colours and flavours…..!

This message comes with so much Love and Fluffy hugs, that there is no more room to write anything else…………….

 

This could possibly be a "Movie of the Week"! You already have the song , what about a movie title?

Title it, Patch on the Misdirected Path to Jocularity!


Oh, and GPS's are for wusses! Weren't you ever a boy scout?!


Seriously, hope to see you back in civilzation soon. We miss you here. Oh, and about the 8 Week Weight Loss Challenge, dropping one spouse size does not qualify!

 

Patch... knew there was a reason I always liked you... now if you are also a Springsteen fan then you are my long lost twin from whom I was separated at birth

 

i have a plan i have tickets to see elton in hamilton july 10th which is an anniversary of ours not our wedding tho..another milestone someone has achieved. there is only one problem...i have nowhere to sleep. i booked to late and have only the 1 star days inn 2 blocks from the stadium.if you can make it from the dessert to hamilton on that date we can see the show and motor on out of hamilton to our little farm town 200 miles away. we can chat all the way as john sleeps the night away in the back of our sedan after missing the show and the night out. when we arrive at our home via sedan in great shape and a 2003 at that we can talk about the show and how much fun it was..john will automatically think he was there and sometime later he may ask who is the guy in the front of the sedan with you? i will merely say an old pacemaker friend from arizona and he will nod as tho this is a regular thing with me. so unless you are enjoying the dessert much more than seeing elton john and you may well be ..let me know what you think of this new and up and coming plan. yours truly jessie