It's been a while since we've had something to laugh about. I hope this little quip makes up for it.

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D. for the Journal of Court Reporting. These and other language gems will be featured in Lederer's new book - Fractured English, to be published by Pocket Books in the fall of 1997.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983
* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
* The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused an autopsy.
* The patient has no past history of suicides.
* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
* The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
* The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
* MD during a physical exam, stated, in my ears, "I am unable to arouse this woman", personally, I really don't think he should have bragged about it.

Cheers everyone!!!!!!!

~ Dominique ~

 

 

Started the day off with a good laugh -- thanks a lot, Dominique. Just what I needed.

Blessings,
Betty

 

My daughter, who's a nurse, and I laughed a long time reading these! Thanks!
Bambi

 

A good healthy laugh! Thanks Dominique!
Cathryn

 

Thanks for sharing. Made up humor can never match real life.

Mike

 

What a great laugh! Perfect. Thanks.
Gellia

 

This has made my day.
I'm still laughing!
Thanks,
Johng

 

What a hoot! Thank you.

Wannabe

 

My sides are hurting! I can't stop laughing.....
Great, thanks for sharing.
Pacergirl ;-) he, he, he,
love it!

 

WIsh my printer worked! Very funny! Thank you!

 

i needed a laugh more than i can say thank you that was the funniest thing i have read in awhile