St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

Read Messages




Messages in Jokes Forum



Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-24 04:30. 4 comments. 105 reads
 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

Ian

Posted by AngrySparrow1 on 2014-07-22 21:11. 5 comments. 288 reads
 
Recently while trying to entertain myself while waiting to see my doctor I picked up a really lame magazine, supposedly aimed for Nurse want to be, you know one of the slick paper propaganda rags. This one seemed to feature "Store Front" private nursing schools (no mention of being accredited). Anyway, I was looking though it to keep from falling asleep. I notice a blip about a cardiac study from Portland, Oregon. I took a quick look at the four paragraphs contained in the article, the gist was that MEN who have a Sudden Cardiac Death, usually had some warning signals shortly before their heart stopped. Well that drew my attention, because almost all of us state that we did not have any warning. That sums up the article.

...


Posted by Cabg Patch on 2014-07-15 17:56. 4 comments. 278 reads
 

This morning the dogs drug me out for our morning routine walk to an overcast and gloomy morning, matching my mood. Didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m not in the best frame of mind. Been a tough month for me and doesn’t appear it’s going to improve anytime in the foreseeable future.

The pinnacle of my dismal week ~ I go under the knife tomorrow. Perhaps a little background.

I’ve known this was inevitable for the past year and have been mostly stalling for time in hopes I could avoid this day. Knowing I couldn’t be so lucky. My doctor wouldn’t even recommend a surgeon, as to quote him, he didn’t want to lose any friends by sending me to them…hmmm what’s with that? So being resourceful,...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-07 10:49. 10 comments. 423 reads
 
I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

Ian

Posted by PJinSC on 2014-07-04 16:20. 3 comments. 296 reads
 
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes .. . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think ...


Posted by arabella on 2014-06-12 05:01. 3 comments. 537 reads
 


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
”Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

Posted by clockman1 on 2014-05-26 16:09. 2 comments. 291 reads
 
A little humour (just a little)!
"I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In morse code."
Courtesy of........
- Emo Phillips (comedian)

Posted by Ves on 2014-04-30 01:49. 6 comments. 573 reads
 
'OLD' IS WHEN..... your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN.... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... a sexy woman catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN..... 'ge...


Posted by Ves on 2014-04-30 01:44. 0 comments. 422 reads
 

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in
Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . .. Not pissing in your pants.
At age 12 success i...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-27 11:41. 12 comments. 852 reads
 
A man was continually breathless despite having a pacemaker so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor referred him to the cardiologist.

The cardiologist took his wife aside, and said your husband has a very unstable heart. He has stents, he has a pacemaker,he has a fib and he can't tolerate exercise I am afraid he is not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king ! "

This means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he must not do anything himself. He won't be able to help around the house at all . You will have to do everything !!

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern " What did he say? " Well, the lady responded, he said it looks ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-10 04:56. 3 comments. 312 reads
 
An eminent cardiologist in London died recently and at his funeral his coffin was placed next to an enormous mock-up of a heart made entirely of flowers.

It was a lovely tribute to a man who had dedicated his life to just one part of the human body.

Different coloured flowers made up the atria, the ventricles, even the aorta and tricuspid valve were all flowers; a perfect floral replica of the human heart.

Many people are looking forward with great interest to the funeral next week of one of his colleagues . He was a gynaecologist !

Cheers

Ian

Posted by AsphaltDr on 2014-03-08 01:16. 3 comments. 336 reads
 
You should see the expressions on peoples faces when I tell them my cardiologist put in a 3-wire PM; one for the top of my heart and one for the bottom and one to charge my iPhone.

It's something between shock/disbelief & how can I get one of those ;-)

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-24 06:39. 16 comments. 572 reads
 
We've just heard that scientists have discovered a meteor heading towards Earth. They have calculated that it will strike the U.S.A. at around 2:00am tomorrow. It will completely wipe the U.S.A. from the face of the earth.

We in Britain are faced with a terrible dilemma: should we stay up and watch it live on TV, or record it and watch it after breakfast?

Any advice welcomed

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-17 06:10. 10 comments. 663 reads
 
Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our wedding anniversary again.

Ian

Posted by Reboot1212 on 2014-01-22 08:02. 4 comments. 371 reads
 
OK, so I already have a St. Jude pacemaker. Now the cardio wants me to start taking low dose aspirin (81mg) - St. Joseph safety coated. All this to postpone meeting St. Peter.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-01-05 16:07. 8 comments. 902 reads
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story reported in the press here )..


Scientists at Rolls Royce in the UK built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-12-11 04:37. 2 comments. 326 reads
 

I think we should move Christmas. The shops are so busy, traffic's horrendous and parking's a nightmare in December.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-12-01 04:29. 3 comments. 405 reads
 
I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today.

I bet it's early-onset Alzheimer's.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-11-02 13:46. 2 comments. 416 reads
 
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandpa who has just had a PM implant. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, grandpa," she says excitedly,"as soon as mommy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"

Cheers

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-29 13:55. 4 comments. 404 reads
 
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can relax without alcohol,


...Then You Are Probably








The Family Dog!



Member Login
email:

password:



Who's Online?
We have 940 visitors online.

Members online:
  skaggsoak
  donr
  jessie
  Tattoo Man
  tuxpups

You're Wired When...
You’re officially battery-operated.

Member Quotes
Just because you have a device doesn't mean you are damaged goods and can't do anything worthwhile and have to lie down and die. In fact, you're better and stronger. You're bionic!

Seatbelt Comfort for Pacemaker Patients



Site content and design © 2000-2014 Pacemaker Club Inc.
All rights reserved.