I am just so wound up and excited, my EF has unexpectedly gone up. No, not just up, through the roof.

Admittedly I haven’t seen the doctor yet to get scientific confirmation, but come on, those of us with low ejection fractions know when things change for better or worse… Well my friends, I have no doubt as to the change of this crucial function, or the positive direction it has taken!

Based on my output, versus input, I calculated that my EF went from a lousy 22% up to 150%. Who would have believed that was possible.

Not only that, but I’m sure my clogged pipes have been cleared as well and I no longer need worry about that issue.

I spent the entire night in our guest bathroom ejecting e...

 

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster clucks defiance and...
The lawyer f---- the clients

 

This past week-end, as oft times happens with my life, I had another adventure.

It started Saturday while my wife was off with a friend on a shopping trip to the local mall. I really never meant it to happen this way and truly do feel bad. While she was out and about I fell into an unexpected romance.

Honest, I don’t know how it came about, it was just one of those things. Some of you certainly know what I’m talking about. As of just a few days ago, I have been married 32 years. I love and am devoted to my bride and have never cheated on her up to this point. This could be the kiss of death for me if she finds out. No question she will kill me.

Thinking about what transpired after the episode was ov...

 

Once upon a time………………………
A man and a woman, who had never met and were married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get you...

 

I apologize, but this was too good to not pass along.

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is a couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Taking care to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask that qu...

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

... Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms...

 

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

 

With these new body scanners that aren't magnetic, I'm waiting for the day some moron tackles me for a "bomb" in my chest

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes" said Finney......"Where are you calling from?"

 

A few minutes ago i checked into the PM club ,in my continual quest to find the meaning of life, and there was the message :-

" We have 0 visitors online " . Could someone please confirm ; has the world ended or not ?

Ian,......... alone in the UK with just his PM for company

Hang on ..there's a strange orange glow in the sk

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm a...

 

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."


Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.


She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed...

 

1. Missing a heartbeat when you think of him/her.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Tachycardia which may lead to ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction (Heart Attack).

2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Parkinson's Disease

3. Constant smiling.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Bell's Palsy

4. Absent mindedness, forgetfulness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease

5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or comes over.
You think it's: Love
Medical possi...

 

VD - I know, I know, probably a topic many of you don't really want to discuss, and some will be extremely squeamish about talking openly on this topic.


This is a problem that can have a dramatic impact on people, especially those with broken hearts, and we must deal with it in a way to minimize the pain.


Still we must face the reality of today, and address the issue head on. To all my broken hearted friends here - happy Valentines Day

 

Have you heard of the Irishman from Cork who drowned?

 

"Daddy, Daddy...I want a Pony !!! "

"Sorry Love , we still have a freezer full of Horse to get through first"

also..

I checked the ingredients on a packet of burgers in the supermarket. I was pleased that it was low on salt but quite high on Shergar

Tattoo Man

 

I think the toaster is flirting with me.

 

A man with a pacemaker collapsed whilst walking through a barrier in a store.
The store manager called 911.
The paramedics rushed him to the nearest hospital where his pacemaker was reset and reprogramed.
He regained consciousness only to find for Nuns standing beside him. One of them had a clipboard.
She said to him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance"
He replied "No health insurance"
The nun asked " Do you have money in the bank"
He replied " No money in the bank"
The nun then asked if he had a relative who could pay.
He said he only had a sister who was a nun an a spinster.
The nun at this point was very cross and sain Nuns are married to GOD.

click to read more...

 

A young,blond woman walks up to the circulation desk in the local library and says," I'LL HAVE A BURGER,CHOCOLATE SHAKE, AND FRIES!"

The library clerk sternly replies,"This IS a library".

To which the young woman quietly whispers,"i'll have a burger,chocolate shake and fries"