St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

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Posted by Busdriver on 2015-05-20 06:16. 2 comments. 151 reads
 
for shoplifting. The judge asks her "What did you steal?" The woman says "A can of peaches." Judge asks "How many peaches were in the can?" The old woman replies "Six, your honor." The judge sentenced her to six days in jail, one for each peach.

The judge then looks at the old woman's husband and asks if he has anything to say on behalf of his wife.

The old man replies "She also stole a can of peas........"

Posted by Tattoo Man on 2015-05-19 17:24. 8 comments. 215 reads
 

............I spoke to a guy the other day who told me that he had trouble pronouncing words with 'F' or ' TH ' in.......

I thought for a moment and replied.....

You cant say fairer than that.......

Tattoo Man.

I'm going to be 65 next Saturday...anybody out there fancies buying me a Rolex ??

Posted by Tattoo Man on 2015-04-29 04:56. 2 comments. 427 reads
 


.....So, a prominent Politician is run over by a bus and ends up at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter greets him with the choice of Heaven or Hell and offers him a 24 hour trial at each venue.

At the end of the deep elevator he is met by a smiling Devil who takes him to the delightful golf club where all his smiling mates are all dining on lobster and champagne after a blissful round of golf...

24 hours later , our man experiences Heaven..all harps and fluffy clouds with not much to do and no golf..

So, says St Peter..whats your choice then ?

Well,..Hell was so much better than I had expected,..Heaven was, frankly a little dull...

OK then says Peter,...down the elevato...


Posted by PJinSC on 2015-04-10 16:00. 6 comments. 690 reads
 
Most of the postings lately have been so serious, I was getting depressed. I ran across this little story, and since a lot of us are "geezers" or are approaching Geezerhood, and we love to go on about our doctors, I though this might lighten the mood a bit.

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired.
Dr. Young: --- ...


Posted by Tattoo Man on 2015-02-17 15:05. 5 comments. 523 reads
 

.............This very morning I was driving through Nottingham ( UK ) and an ambulance drove past me...nothing unusual about that...

Except...written in the dirty back window was the advice...

NO PATIENTS WERE LEFT IN THIS VEHICLE OVERNIGHT

For those who don't get Brit Humour...sorry..

Its not often that I laugh out loud in traffic..least of all in Nottingham ..what with all those Merry Men and Chaps dressed in Lincoln Green cluttering up the highways....

Best wishes to you all..

Tattoo Man

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-12-17 04:54. 12 comments. 834 reads
 
You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and
you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

Now that really IS stressful !!



Posted by ROBO Pop on 2014-12-05 11:12. 2 comments. 516 reads
 
I suspect it all starts when I do something wrong, you are already wondering when don't I do something wrong, and my wife reaches her saturation point and gets a case of chapped arse. She begins to lecture me, and by the duration and passion in her speech you'd swear it was her dissertation for a doctorate. It's what I call the mother of all lectures, just goes on and on and on.

Being a man, what really registers in my mind during these intervals is difficult to say. Her words become like an untranslatable foreign tongue to my mind, Latin maybe, and my brain begins to melt down creating a molten river of thick gooey brain matter slowly searching for an exit strategy. We all know rivers will flow in a canal so the ear is a popu...


Posted by Griddlebone on 2014-11-14 00:28. 9 comments. 815 reads
 
And I wish you folks would quit telling my husband it's okay now!

He was there post-op when they told me not to lift things over 10 lbs or raise my arm up over shoulder height or vacuum. It's two months down the road and he still jumps in to caution me when I raise my arm up, and he insists on lifting moderately heavy things (say, a 3 gallon plastic water jug, so about 25 lbs or 11 kg), and he insists on doing the vacuuming.

So please, shush! I'm enjoying this! :)

Posted by Griddlebone on 2014-11-04 11:50. 1 comments. 370 reads
 
Ha hah... I just posted a comment and the (assumed random) spam filter captcha was "BZZME". Yeah, pacemaker, go ahead and buzz me. Be my guest.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-11-01 11:57. 5 comments. 503 reads
 
I was out shopping today when I saw my doctor collapse holding his chest.

"Please, help me!" he pleaded.

So I phoned the surgery and the receptionist told me someone will get back to me within 48 hours.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-24 13:11. 34 comments. 1350 reads
 
I thought that would get your attention, especially all you dog-owners !

As a runner , I like to get out every few days and take the PM for a spin, test its Rate Responsiveness and enjoy the fresh air .
So I was happily doing my usual 3 miles through the local woods this morning when an old woman and a DOG appeared !

" It won't hurt you " she said as the love-of-her life came bounding towards me and started growling and jumping up and pawing me. It was fortunately a smallish dog so couldn't reach pacemaker level but it DID hurt me. In fact it sunk its teeth into my right knee .

To cut a long story short, I have just returned from the local hospital where I have had 5 stitches !!

So I genuine...


Posted by Duke Heart Patient on 2014-10-23 10:09. 6 comments. 656 reads
 
So what are some of the funniest things you have heard about having a pacemaker or seen people with a pacemaker do ?

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-22 07:27. 3 comments. 368 reads
 
Good morning Doctor.

Ah, good morning. Are you a patient?

Yes.

Oh good, I have to pay my golf subscriptions this month.

Ian


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-19 08:10. 2 comments. 508 reads
 
We go through life accepting that some things are certain and will never change . When things do suddenly change we think is this the end of life as we know it ? :-

-- The Pope is always Catholic

-- bears will always sh*t in the woods

-- Tattoo Man is ALWAYS online at the PM club

One of these has suddenly changed ( and no, the Pope has not suddenly become a Buddhist and , no, donr will probably confirm that the defaecation habits of bears are unaltered )

..so what is going on ? Tattoo Man , where are you ?

Ian

Posted by ROBO Pop on 2014-10-08 12:54. 2 comments. 657 reads
 
Like me, my neighbor was diagnosed with class IV, often known as final stage, Congestive Heart failure a few years ago. Our Cardiologists have done an awesome job ensuring the quality of life we lead is optimal and considered ahead of quantity. Granted neither of us can run races, chase wild women, climb mountains or perform any of the other physically challenging endeavors we once did, but still, we aren't vegetables wasting away in a bed at some nursing home.

Still, as some of you can attest, the battle wears one down and you grow weary of the constant struggle to do even simple things. Often you would find the two of us out front, shooting the breeze to while away the day. More often than not, our chats turn to the inevitable...


Posted by pete on 2014-08-12 16:05. 0 comments. 716 reads
 
A very nervous gentleman was just about to have his first pacemaker implanted. When he saw the needle for the sedative he screamed that he could not stand needles. So they wheeled in a gas and air machine and told him to put on the mask. He baulked at this saying he would not be able to breath. The doctor then gave him two blue tablets and told him to swallow them. Whats that asked the patient, Its viagra said the doctor. What good is that asked the patient. Not a great deal said the doctor, but it will give you something to hold on to !!!

Posted by windway on 2014-08-12 12:22. 4 comments. 881 reads
 
I wouldn't like to play scrabble with the person who sent me these:


PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:

Posted by azviking on 2014-08-02 23:59. 2 comments. 593 reads
 
Wheeling me into surgery for a Pacemaker the nurse asks if I had any prior operations.

" None since 1935 when I had an involuntary circumcision.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-24 04:30. 4 comments. 637 reads
 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-07 10:49. 10 comments. 864 reads
 
I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

Ian



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