St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

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Posted by Cabg Patch on 2014-12-18 13:01. 6 comments. 114 reads
 
I know there are a number of members who've gotten a jolt from their device, ICD, CRT and PM alike, that didn't show up on our data collected by the unit. The doctors attribute it to a phenomenon they call Phantom Shocks. Just like using the term "Therapy" for the big one, I find their terminology inadequate. Below are some suggestions for a name to replace the term phantom shock. Please let us know which you like most sort of an informal vote.

Dry Run
Silent Impact
Silent Alarm
Phantom Menace
Ghost Buster
Nuclear Waste
Delusion Conclusion
Thankless Thump
Dream Breaker
Juiceless jolt
Taser Test
Ghost Goose
Delusional Dupe
Illusion Pollution
Phant...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-12-17 04:54. 9 comments. 213 reads
 
You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and
you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

Now that really IS stressful !!



Posted by Cabg Patch on 2014-12-08 15:01. 1 comments. 252 reads
 
Now I've been around here awhile so many of you know my heart isn't in the best shape possible. In fact it's what the medical community refers to as a Mess. Just last week I had another episode and received a whack upside the heart to keep me going.

Now I'm in my later years (post 50's) so heart issues at my age aren't a big surprise.

Things have calmed down since last weeks performance so Saturday I went to my monthly Mended Hearts meeting, and had a nice relaxing time with everyone. It was the 14th anniversary of our chapter and we celebrated by having heart healthy buffet in celebration.

Anyway my lovely bride had some errands to perform so she went her own way. Imagine the shock and stress on my...


Posted by ROBO Pop on 2014-12-05 11:12. 2 comments. 237 reads
 
I suspect it all starts when I do something wrong, you are already wondering when don't I do something wrong, and my wife reaches her saturation point and gets a case of chapped arse. She begins to lecture me, and by the duration and passion in her speech you'd swear it was her dissertation for a doctorate. It's what I call the mother of all lectures, just goes on and on and on.

Being a man, what really registers in my mind during these intervals is difficult to say. Her words become like an untranslatable foreign tongue to my mind, Latin maybe, and my brain begins to melt down creating a molten river of thick gooey brain matter slowly searching for an exit strategy. We all know rivers will flow in a canal so the ear is a popu...


Posted by Griddlebone on 2014-11-14 00:28. 9 comments. 467 reads
 
And I wish you folks would quit telling my husband it's okay now!

He was there post-op when they told me not to lift things over 10 lbs or raise my arm up over shoulder height or vacuum. It's two months down the road and he still jumps in to caution me when I raise my arm up, and he insists on lifting moderately heavy things (say, a 3 gallon plastic water jug, so about 25 lbs or 11 kg), and he insists on doing the vacuuming.

So please, shush! I'm enjoying this! :)

Posted by Griddlebone on 2014-11-04 11:50. 1 comments. 158 reads
 
Ha hah... I just posted a comment and the (assumed random) spam filter captcha was "BZZME". Yeah, pacemaker, go ahead and buzz me. Be my guest.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-11-01 11:57. 5 comments. 261 reads
 
I was out shopping today when I saw my doctor collapse holding his chest.

"Please, help me!" he pleaded.

So I phoned the surgery and the receptionist told me someone will get back to me within 48 hours.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-24 13:11. 33 comments. 680 reads
 
I thought that would get your attention, especially all you dog-owners !

As a runner , I like to get out every few days and take the PM for a spin, test its Rate Responsiveness and enjoy the fresh air .
So I was happily doing my usual 3 miles through the local woods this morning when an old woman and a DOG appeared !

" It won't hurt you " she said as the love-of-her life came bounding towards me and started growling and jumping up and pawing me. It was fortunately a smallish dog so couldn't reach pacemaker level but it DID hurt me. In fact it sunk its teeth into my right knee .

To cut a long story short, I have just returned from the local hospital where I have had 5 stitches !!

So I genuine...


Posted by Duke Heart Patient on 2014-10-23 10:09. 6 comments. 314 reads
 
So what are some of the funniest things you have heard about having a pacemaker or seen people with a pacemaker do ?

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-22 07:27. 3 comments. 141 reads
 
Good morning Doctor.

Ah, good morning. Are you a patient?

Yes.

Oh good, I have to pay my golf subscriptions this month.

Ian


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-19 08:10. 2 comments. 266 reads
 
We go through life accepting that some things are certain and will never change . When things do suddenly change we think is this the end of life as we know it ? :-

-- The Pope is always Catholic

-- bears will always sh*t in the woods

-- Tattoo Man is ALWAYS online at the PM club

One of these has suddenly changed ( and no, the Pope has not suddenly become a Buddhist and , no, donr will probably confirm that the defaecation habits of bears are unaltered )

..so what is going on ? Tattoo Man , where are you ?

Ian

Posted by ROBO Pop on 2014-10-08 12:54. 2 comments. 385 reads
 
Like me, my neighbor was diagnosed with class IV, often known as final stage, Congestive Heart failure a few years ago. Our Cardiologists have done an awesome job ensuring the quality of life we lead is optimal and considered ahead of quantity. Granted neither of us can run races, chase wild women, climb mountains or perform any of the other physically challenging endeavors we once did, but still, we aren't vegetables wasting away in a bed at some nursing home.

Still, as some of you can attest, the battle wears one down and you grow weary of the constant struggle to do even simple things. Often you would find the two of us out front, shooting the breeze to while away the day. More often than not, our chats turn to the inevitable...


Posted by pete on 2014-08-12 16:05. 0 comments. 451 reads
 
A very nervous gentleman was just about to have his first pacemaker implanted. When he saw the needle for the sedative he screamed that he could not stand needles. So they wheeled in a gas and air machine and told him to put on the mask. He baulked at this saying he would not be able to breath. The doctor then gave him two blue tablets and told him to swallow them. Whats that asked the patient, Its viagra said the doctor. What good is that asked the patient. Not a great deal said the doctor, but it will give you something to hold on to !!!

Posted by windway on 2014-08-12 12:22. 4 comments. 543 reads
 
I wouldn't like to play scrabble with the person who sent me these:


PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:

Posted by azviking on 2014-08-02 23:59. 2 comments. 409 reads
 
Wheeling me into surgery for a Pacemaker the nurse asks if I had any prior operations.

" None since 1935 when I had an involuntary circumcision.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-24 04:30. 4 comments. 429 reads
 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

Ian

Posted by Cabg Patch on 2014-07-15 17:56. 4 comments. 571 reads
 

This morning the dogs drug me out for our morning routine walk to an overcast and gloomy morning, matching my mood. Didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m not in the best frame of mind. Been a tough month for me and doesn’t appear it’s going to improve anytime in the foreseeable future.

The pinnacle of my dismal week ~ I go under the knife tomorrow. Perhaps a little background.

I’ve known this was inevitable for the past year and have been mostly stalling for time in hopes I could avoid this day. Knowing I couldn’t be so lucky. My doctor wouldn’t even recommend a surgeon, as to quote him, he didn’t want to lose any friends by sending me to them…hmmm what’s with that? So being resourceful,...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-07 10:49. 10 comments. 644 reads
 
I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

Ian

Posted by PJinSC on 2014-07-04 16:20. 3 comments. 614 reads
 
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes .. . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think ...


Posted by arabella on 2014-06-12 05:01. 3 comments. 894 reads
 


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
”Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'



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