St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

Read Messages




Messages in Jokes Forum



Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-24 13:11. 31 comments. 489 reads
 
I thought that would get your attention, especially all you dog-owners !

As a runner , I like to get out every few days and take the PM for a spin, test its Rate Responsiveness and enjoy the fresh air .
So I was happily doing my usual 3 miles through the local woods this morning when an old woman and a DOG appeared !

" It won't hurt you " she said as the love-of-her life came bounding towards me and started growling and jumping up and pawing me. It was fortunately a smallish dog so couldn't reach pacemaker level but it DID hurt me. In fact it sunk its teeth into my right knee .

To cut a long story short, I have just returned from the local hospital where I have had 5 stitches !!

So I genuine...


Posted by Duke Heart Patient on 2014-10-23 10:09. 6 comments. 206 reads
 
So what are some of the funniest things you have heard about having a pacemaker or seen people with a pacemaker do ?

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-22 07:27. 3 comments. 93 reads
 
Good morning Doctor.

Ah, good morning. Are you a patient?

Yes.

Oh good, I have to pay my golf subscriptions this month.

Ian


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-19 08:10. 2 comments. 204 reads
 
We go through life accepting that some things are certain and will never change . When things do suddenly change we think is this the end of life as we know it ? :-

-- The Pope is always Catholic

-- bears will always sh*t in the woods

-- Tattoo Man is ALWAYS online at the PM club

One of these has suddenly changed ( and no, the Pope has not suddenly become a Buddhist and , no, donr will probably confirm that the defaecation habits of bears are unaltered )

..so what is going on ? Tattoo Man , where are you ?

Ian

Posted by ROBO Pop on 2014-10-08 12:54. 2 comments. 303 reads
 
Like me, my neighbor was diagnosed with class IV, often known as final stage, Congestive Heart failure a few years ago. Our Cardiologists have done an awesome job ensuring the quality of life we lead is optimal and considered ahead of quantity. Granted neither of us can run races, chase wild women, climb mountains or perform any of the other physically challenging endeavors we once did, but still, we aren't vegetables wasting away in a bed at some nursing home.

Still, as some of you can attest, the battle wears one down and you grow weary of the constant struggle to do even simple things. Often you would find the two of us out front, shooting the breeze to while away the day. More often than not, our chats turn to the inevitable...


Posted by pete on 2014-08-12 16:05. 0 comments. 387 reads
 
A very nervous gentleman was just about to have his first pacemaker implanted. When he saw the needle for the sedative he screamed that he could not stand needles. So they wheeled in a gas and air machine and told him to put on the mask. He baulked at this saying he would not be able to breath. The doctor then gave him two blue tablets and told him to swallow them. Whats that asked the patient, Its viagra said the doctor. What good is that asked the patient. Not a great deal said the doctor, but it will give you something to hold on to !!!

Posted by windway on 2014-08-12 12:22. 4 comments. 416 reads
 
I wouldn't like to play scrabble with the person who sent me these:


PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:

Posted by azviking on 2014-08-02 23:59. 2 comments. 354 reads
 
Wheeling me into surgery for a Pacemaker the nurse asks if I had any prior operations.

" None since 1935 when I had an involuntary circumcision.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-24 04:30. 4 comments. 377 reads
 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

Ian

Posted by Cabg Patch on 2014-07-15 17:56. 4 comments. 524 reads
 

This morning the dogs drug me out for our morning routine walk to an overcast and gloomy morning, matching my mood. Didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m not in the best frame of mind. Been a tough month for me and doesn’t appear it’s going to improve anytime in the foreseeable future.

The pinnacle of my dismal week ~ I go under the knife tomorrow. Perhaps a little background.

I’ve known this was inevitable for the past year and have been mostly stalling for time in hopes I could avoid this day. Knowing I couldn’t be so lucky. My doctor wouldn’t even recommend a surgeon, as to quote him, he didn’t want to lose any friends by sending me to them…hmmm what’s with that? So being resourceful,...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-07 10:49. 10 comments. 605 reads
 
I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

Ian

Posted by PJinSC on 2014-07-04 16:20. 3 comments. 544 reads
 
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes .. . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think ...


Posted by arabella on 2014-06-12 05:01. 3 comments. 767 reads
 


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
”Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

Posted by clockman1 on 2014-05-26 16:09. 2 comments. 385 reads
 
A little humour (just a little)!
"I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In morse code."
Courtesy of........
- Emo Phillips (comedian)

Posted by Ves on 2014-04-30 01:49. 6 comments. 762 reads
 
'OLD' IS WHEN..... your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN.... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... a sexy woman catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN..... 'ge...


Posted by Ves on 2014-04-30 01:44. 0 comments. 623 reads
 

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in
Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . .. Not pissing in your pants.
At age 12 success i...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-27 11:41. 12 comments. 1102 reads
 
A man was continually breathless despite having a pacemaker so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor referred him to the cardiologist.

The cardiologist took his wife aside, and said your husband has a very unstable heart. He has stents, he has a pacemaker,he has a fib and he can't tolerate exercise I am afraid he is not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king ! "

This means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he must not do anything himself. He won't be able to help around the house at all . You will have to do everything !!

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern " What did he say? " Well, the lady responded, he said it looks ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-10 04:56. 3 comments. 408 reads
 
An eminent cardiologist in London died recently and at his funeral his coffin was placed next to an enormous mock-up of a heart made entirely of flowers.

It was a lovely tribute to a man who had dedicated his life to just one part of the human body.

Different coloured flowers made up the atria, the ventricles, even the aorta and tricuspid valve were all flowers; a perfect floral replica of the human heart.

Many people are looking forward with great interest to the funeral next week of one of his colleagues . He was a gynaecologist !

Cheers

Ian

Posted by AsphaltDr on 2014-03-08 01:16. 3 comments. 440 reads
 
You should see the expressions on peoples faces when I tell them my cardiologist put in a 3-wire PM; one for the top of my heart and one for the bottom and one to charge my iPhone.

It's something between shock/disbelief & how can I get one of those ;-)

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-24 06:39. 16 comments. 681 reads
 
We've just heard that scientists have discovered a meteor heading towards Earth. They have calculated that it will strike the U.S.A. at around 2:00am tomorrow. It will completely wipe the U.S.A. from the face of the earth.

We in Britain are faced with a terrible dilemma: should we stay up and watch it live on TV, or record it and watch it after breakfast?

Any advice welcomed

Ian



Member Login
email:

password:



Who's Online?
We have 882 visitors online.

Members online:
  Lurch
  annie21
  ScaredOne
  Daisho
  AngrySparrow1

Polls
What type of device do you have?

Single lead pacer
Dual lead pacer
CRT
CRT-D
ICD

You're Wired When...
You participate in the Pacer Olympics.

Member Quotes
Since I got my pacemaker, I don't pass out anymore! That's a blessing in itself.

Bra Strap Comfort for Pacemaker Patients



Site content and design © 2000-2014 Pacemaker Club Inc.
All rights reserved.