St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

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Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-10 04:56. 3 comments. 445 reads
 
An eminent cardiologist in London died recently and at his funeral his coffin was placed next to an enormous mock-up of a heart made entirely of flowers.

It was a lovely tribute to a man who had dedicated his life to just one part of the human body.

Different coloured flowers made up the atria, the ventricles, even the aorta and tricuspid valve were all flowers; a perfect floral replica of the human heart.

Many people are looking forward with great interest to the funeral next week of one of his colleagues . He was a gynaecologist !

Cheers

Ian

Posted by AsphaltDr on 2014-03-08 01:16. 3 comments. 466 reads
 
You should see the expressions on peoples faces when I tell them my cardiologist put in a 3-wire PM; one for the top of my heart and one for the bottom and one to charge my iPhone.

It's something between shock/disbelief & how can I get one of those ;-)

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-24 06:39. 16 comments. 708 reads
 
We've just heard that scientists have discovered a meteor heading towards Earth. They have calculated that it will strike the U.S.A. at around 2:00am tomorrow. It will completely wipe the U.S.A. from the face of the earth.

We in Britain are faced with a terrible dilemma: should we stay up and watch it live on TV, or record it and watch it after breakfast?

Any advice welcomed

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-17 06:10. 10 comments. 806 reads
 
Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our wedding anniversary again.

Ian

Posted by Reboot1212 on 2014-01-22 08:02. 4 comments. 472 reads
 
OK, so I already have a St. Jude pacemaker. Now the cardio wants me to start taking low dose aspirin (81mg) - St. Joseph safety coated. All this to postpone meeting St. Peter.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-01-05 16:07. 8 comments. 1114 reads
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story reported in the press here )..


Scientists at Rolls Royce in the UK built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-12-11 04:37. 2 comments. 433 reads
 

I think we should move Christmas. The shops are so busy, traffic's horrendous and parking's a nightmare in December.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-12-01 04:29. 3 comments. 482 reads
 
I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today.

I bet it's early-onset Alzheimer's.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-11-02 13:46. 2 comments. 473 reads
 
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandpa who has just had a PM implant. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, grandpa," she says excitedly,"as soon as mommy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"

Cheers

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-29 13:55. 4 comments. 458 reads
 
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can relax without alcohol,


...Then You Are Probably








The Family Dog!

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-27 12:23. 5 comments. 499 reads
 


2000 B.C. -- Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. -- That root is heathen. Say this prayer.

1850 A.D. -- That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion.

1940 A.D. -- That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. -- That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic.

2008 A.D. -- That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

2013 A.D. -- Will that root affect my Pacemaker ?

Posted by Heartbless on 2013-10-26 09:23. 6 comments. 1018 reads
 
(This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!!)

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,

Almost every time I ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-02 10:00. 7 comments. 736 reads
 
America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended).

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-09-23 12:46. 13 comments. 983 reads
 
I have a pet goldfish and , since having a PM . it just stares at me. It is quite scary ; I may mention it to my cardiologist. I think it has been talking to patma's cat. I will be grateful for any advice because it is stressing me out !

Ian

Posted by Bevof NC on 2013-08-31 23:05. 3 comments. 344 reads
 
Why don't we all just start taking our naps on a battery mat???

Posted by Bevof NC on 2013-08-18 16:00. 2 comments. 620 reads
 
A couple of people have asked me what I was building. Thought I'd clarify: I'm 1st cutting the limbs and then cutting down 2 trees...Oh, oh....Not sure but, I think I'm sittin' on wrong side of ...s .......a ...w ...


Posted by Duke Heart Patient on 2013-08-06 17:14. 2 comments. 1068 reads
 
This one isn't very good, but I guess it's a joke LOL:

A man comes home from work and can’t find his wife. After looking all over the house he finds her in the bedroom as naked as a jay bird standing in front of a mirror looking at herself. She had recently had a pacemaker installed.

The man yells at his wife “What are you doing?”

The wife replies “I had a doctor’s appointment today and the doc checked out the PM scar and in the course of the exam he said that I have the breasts of a 20 year old”

The man replies “What did the doctor say about your 50 year old fat ass?”

The wife calmly replied “Your name didn’t come up”

And then the fight started.

Posted by tha gator on 2013-06-29 18:24. 9 comments. 712 reads
 
does anyone know where i can get a app for my iphone to make adjustments to my pacer? would save me a trip to the doctor next week

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-06-26 05:53. 6 comments. 781 reads
 
Dr : Wellll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

Dr "Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

Dr : "How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.

Dr : "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig

Dr : "Well we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, or why you are here.

Dr : "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next w...


Posted by Tucker on 2013-06-03 21:04. 0 comments. 357 reads
 
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster clucks defiance and...
The lawyer f---- the clients



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