St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

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Messages in Jokes Forum



Posted by arabella on 2014-06-12 05:01. 3 comments. 1273 reads
 


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
”Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

Posted by clockman1 on 2014-05-26 16:09. 2 comments. 560 reads
 
A little humour (just a little)!
"I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In morse code."
Courtesy of........
- Emo Phillips (comedian)

Posted by Ves on 2014-04-30 01:49. 6 comments. 996 reads
 
'OLD' IS WHEN..... your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN.... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... a sexy woman catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN..... 'ge...


Posted by Ves on 2014-04-30 01:44. 0 comments. 809 reads
 

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in
Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . .. Not pissing in your pants.
At age 12 success i...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-27 11:41. 12 comments. 1330 reads
 
A man was continually breathless despite having a pacemaker so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor referred him to the cardiologist.

The cardiologist took his wife aside, and said your husband has a very unstable heart. He has stents, he has a pacemaker,he has a fib and he can't tolerate exercise I am afraid he is not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king ! "

This means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he must not do anything himself. He won't be able to help around the house at all . You will have to do everything !!

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern " What did he say? " Well, the lady responded, he said it looks ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-10 04:56. 3 comments. 531 reads
 
An eminent cardiologist in London died recently and at his funeral his coffin was placed next to an enormous mock-up of a heart made entirely of flowers.

It was a lovely tribute to a man who had dedicated his life to just one part of the human body.

Different coloured flowers made up the atria, the ventricles, even the aorta and tricuspid valve were all flowers; a perfect floral replica of the human heart.

Many people are looking forward with great interest to the funeral next week of one of his colleagues . He was a gynaecologist !

Cheers

Ian

Posted by AsphaltDr on 2014-03-08 01:16. 3 comments. 556 reads
 
You should see the expressions on peoples faces when I tell them my cardiologist put in a 3-wire PM; one for the top of my heart and one for the bottom and one to charge my iPhone.

It's something between shock/disbelief & how can I get one of those ;-)

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-24 06:39. 16 comments. 802 reads
 
We've just heard that scientists have discovered a meteor heading towards Earth. They have calculated that it will strike the U.S.A. at around 2:00am tomorrow. It will completely wipe the U.S.A. from the face of the earth.

We in Britain are faced with a terrible dilemma: should we stay up and watch it live on TV, or record it and watch it after breakfast?

Any advice welcomed

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-17 06:10. 10 comments. 911 reads
 
Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our wedding anniversary again.

Ian

Posted by Reboot1212 on 2014-01-22 08:02. 4 comments. 561 reads
 
OK, so I already have a St. Jude pacemaker. Now the cardio wants me to start taking low dose aspirin (81mg) - St. Joseph safety coated. All this to postpone meeting St. Peter.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-01-05 16:07. 8 comments. 1255 reads
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story reported in the press here )..


Scientists at Rolls Royce in the UK built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-12-11 04:37. 2 comments. 519 reads
 

I think we should move Christmas. The shops are so busy, traffic's horrendous and parking's a nightmare in December.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-12-01 04:29. 3 comments. 582 reads
 
I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today.

I bet it's early-onset Alzheimer's.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-11-02 13:46. 2 comments. 572 reads
 
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandpa who has just had a PM implant. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, grandpa," she says excitedly,"as soon as mommy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"

Cheers

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-29 13:55. 4 comments. 554 reads
 
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can relax without alcohol,


...Then You Are Probably








The Family Dog!

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-27 12:23. 5 comments. 586 reads
 


2000 B.C. -- Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. -- That root is heathen. Say this prayer.

1850 A.D. -- That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion.

1940 A.D. -- That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. -- That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic.

2008 A.D. -- That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

2013 A.D. -- Will that root affect my Pacemaker ?

Posted by Heartbless on 2013-10-26 09:23. 6 comments. 1188 reads
 
(This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!!)

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,

Almost every time I ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-02 10:00. 7 comments. 839 reads
 
America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended).

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-09-23 12:46. 13 comments. 1113 reads
 
I have a pet goldfish and , since having a PM . it just stares at me. It is quite scary ; I may mention it to my cardiologist. I think it has been talking to patma's cat. I will be grateful for any advice because it is stressing me out !

Ian

Posted by Bevof NC on 2013-08-31 23:05. 3 comments. 424 reads
 
Why don't we all just start taking our naps on a battery mat???



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