St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

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Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-22 07:27. 3 comments. 739 reads
 
Good morning Doctor.

Ah, good morning. Are you a patient?

Yes.

Oh good, I have to pay my golf subscriptions this month.

Ian


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-10-19 08:10. 2 comments. 930 reads
 
We go through life accepting that some things are certain and will never change . When things do suddenly change we think is this the end of life as we know it ? :-

-- The Pope is always Catholic

-- bears will always sh*t in the woods

-- Tattoo Man is ALWAYS online at the PM club

One of these has suddenly changed ( and no, the Pope has not suddenly become a Buddhist and , no, donr will probably confirm that the defaecation habits of bears are unaltered )

..so what is going on ? Tattoo Man , where are you ?

Ian

Posted by ROBO Pop on 2014-10-08 12:54. 2 comments. 1043 reads
 
Like me, my neighbor was diagnosed with class IV, often known as final stage, Congestive Heart failure a few years ago. Our Cardiologists have done an awesome job ensuring the quality of life we lead is optimal and considered ahead of quantity. Granted neither of us can run races, chase wild women, climb mountains or perform any of the other physically challenging endeavors we once did, but still, we aren't vegetables wasting away in a bed at some nursing home.

Still, as some of you can attest, the battle wears one down and you grow weary of the constant struggle to do even simple things. Often you would find the two of us out front, shooting the breeze to while away the day. More often than not, our chats turn to the inevitable...


Posted by pete on 2014-08-12 16:05. 0 comments. 984 reads
 
A very nervous gentleman was just about to have his first pacemaker implanted. When he saw the needle for the sedative he screamed that he could not stand needles. So they wheeled in a gas and air machine and told him to put on the mask. He baulked at this saying he would not be able to breath. The doctor then gave him two blue tablets and told him to swallow them. Whats that asked the patient, Its viagra said the doctor. What good is that asked the patient. Not a great deal said the doctor, but it will give you something to hold on to !!!

Posted by windway on 2014-08-12 12:22. 4 comments. 1216 reads
 
I wouldn't like to play scrabble with the person who sent me these:


PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:

Posted by azviking on 2014-08-02 23:59. 2 comments. 844 reads
 
Wheeling me into surgery for a Pacemaker the nurse asks if I had any prior operations.

" None since 1935 when I had an involuntary circumcision.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-24 04:30. 4 comments. 863 reads
 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-07-07 10:49. 10 comments. 1119 reads
 
I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

Ian

Posted by clockman1 on 2014-05-26 16:09. 2 comments. 692 reads
 
A little humour (just a little)!
"I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In morse code."
Courtesy of........
- Emo Phillips (comedian)

Posted by Ves on 2014-04-30 01:49. 6 comments. 1183 reads
 
'OLD' IS WHEN..... your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN.... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... a sexy woman catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN..... 'ge...


Posted by Ves on 2014-04-30 01:44. 0 comments. 987 reads
 

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in
Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . .. Not pissing in your pants.
At age 12 success i...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-27 11:41. 12 comments. 1532 reads
 
A man was continually breathless despite having a pacemaker so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor referred him to the cardiologist.

The cardiologist took his wife aside, and said your husband has a very unstable heart. He has stents, he has a pacemaker,he has a fib and he can't tolerate exercise I am afraid he is not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king ! "

This means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he must not do anything himself. He won't be able to help around the house at all . You will have to do everything !!

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern " What did he say? " Well, the lady responded, he said it looks ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2014-04-10 04:56. 3 comments. 646 reads
 
An eminent cardiologist in London died recently and at his funeral his coffin was placed next to an enormous mock-up of a heart made entirely of flowers.

It was a lovely tribute to a man who had dedicated his life to just one part of the human body.

Different coloured flowers made up the atria, the ventricles, even the aorta and tricuspid valve were all flowers; a perfect floral replica of the human heart.

Many people are looking forward with great interest to the funeral next week of one of his colleagues . He was a gynaecologist !

Cheers

Ian

Posted by AsphaltDr on 2014-03-08 01:16. 3 comments. 687 reads
 
You should see the expressions on peoples faces when I tell them my cardiologist put in a 3-wire PM; one for the top of my heart and one for the bottom and one to charge my iPhone.

It's something between shock/disbelief & how can I get one of those ;-)

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-24 06:39. 16 comments. 960 reads
 
We've just heard that scientists have discovered a meteor heading towards Earth. They have calculated that it will strike the U.S.A. at around 2:00am tomorrow. It will completely wipe the U.S.A. from the face of the earth.

We in Britain are faced with a terrible dilemma: should we stay up and watch it live on TV, or record it and watch it after breakfast?

Any advice welcomed

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-02-17 06:10. 10 comments. 1098 reads
 
Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our wedding anniversary again.

Ian

Posted by Reboot1212 on 2014-01-22 08:02. 4 comments. 709 reads
 
OK, so I already have a St. Jude pacemaker. Now the cardio wants me to start taking low dose aspirin (81mg) - St. Joseph safety coated. All this to postpone meeting St. Peter.

Posted by IAN MC on 2014-01-05 16:07. 8 comments. 1461 reads
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story reported in the press here )..


Scientists at Rolls Royce in the UK built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-12-11 04:37. 2 comments. 664 reads
 

I think we should move Christmas. The shops are so busy, traffic's horrendous and parking's a nightmare in December.

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-12-01 04:29. 3 comments. 713 reads
 
I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today.

I bet it's early-onset Alzheimer's.

Ian



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