An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator); responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to wat...

 

I haven't been on line here for a while. In fact, I almost forgot I have a pm. Awake in the middle of the night, perhaps a little sad, I came here to see what was going on and then went to the jokes. I have laughed until I cried. I feel so much better thanks to all of you with such great senses of humor. Guess I had just better keep coming back.

 

I've had it, all this time out wandering and still haven't been able to find my elusive sense of humor. I come back and find Smitty stole it. What else is there, what's the use. Maybe I'll end it all.

Anybody know how many refrigerator magnets I need to stick to my chest to stop the madness?

 

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded...

 

Copy and paste this funny youtube video to your browser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgiCX_y1BW8

 

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

 

Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
Dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
Wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
Be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to you...

 

A Saskatchewan guy went out duck hunting in the fall, a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later lying in his hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well Sir I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot".

"Whats the bad news", asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some extensive damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I am going to have to refer you to my sister".

"Well I guess that isn't to bad" the hunter replied. "Is...

 

O..M..G your shoutout almost made me PUKE!!!!!!!! That was so friggin hilarious! NASTY!!!!!!!!!! ohhhh how thee missed you!


Copy of shout: From: ShadowWeaver
I had a dream that I drank a HUGE martini, woke up and there was salt on the toilet bowl. Real glad I didn't eat the worm. :)

 

...In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
to a river so deep.

I've been searching for something
taken out of my soul
Something I would never lose
something somebody stole.

I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't wanna walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I finally find what it is I've been looking for…
The River Of Dreams lyrics ~ Billy Joel

I dropped by home to get my second wind, resupply, and catch my breath before I head back out into the vast Sonoran desert, on the most critical trek of my life. During my brief respite, I discovered that my ele...

 

Poor granny, but if this doesn't make you laugh, something's wrong with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PktCeLDIyhE


Copy and paste a funny (tasteful) YouTube video link here. Let's laugh. It's great medicine.

 

If this club was a Star Wars movie, who would Patch be?
Yoda?

I think Frank would make a great C-3-PO.

And Smitty, a great Chewbacca.

Just sayin'

 

Hello, hello, is anybody home?

Looks like a lot of people here but it's deader than I was. Don't make me defibrillate everybody.

Geez, you really don't want me being the voice of reason. Some of you old timers need to wake up

 

I'm a bit embarrassed to ask this, but know I read somewhere, I think it was on the Cleveland Clinic web site, that it is unsafe for people with pacemakers or defibrillators to have sex due to the high risk of electric shock. I've looked again, but can't seem to find the article. Anybody else see this information? I really could use a quick response as my wedding anniversary is coming up Sunday.

Thank you all in advance

 

There are some who erroneously believe that all hazardous activities and hardware in the world that would interfere with your pacemaker, ICD, or CRT is documented in the manufacturer's manual or can be found online through a Google search, and the information or for that matter the lack thereof is the Gospel according to St. Jude, or one of the other saintly manufacturers.

Those of us who've had these devices for awhile have experienced enough anomalies with our units to recognize the fact that there really are no absolutes when dealing with these contraptions. There are at elast a couple members here who I am certain will poo poo my comments, but I could care less.

This week-end while at a party, casually enjo...

 

Hi everyone
Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Star Wars Day.
May the 4th be with you!
Also apparently Laura's episode on House is on in the US tonight or last night.
Have a good day
Robin

 

A long time member of the arrhythmia mafia family, Atrial Flutter, was caught recently where he was charged with breaking and entering and tampering. This scene takes us to the court day. Mr. Flutter has already been sworn in and has taking the stand....

Ventricular lead to Mr. Flutter:
"Do you recall the day in which you unlawfully hacked into the system?"

Mr. Flutter:
"Yes I do, sir."

Ventricular lead:
"No further questions Your Honor."

Atrial Lead to Mr. Flutter:
"So...you remember the day?"

Mr. Flutter:
"Yes."

Atrial lead to Mr Flutter:
"Then why don't you tell the court what havoc you caused on that day? What misery you caused my client. ...

 

There's no telling how long Dorothy and I walked.

Man, we must have walked for miles. Along the way we picked up some straggler who was scared of his own shadow. He was even scared of the road that we walked on. Then we rescued and took pity on this scarecrow. Boy, was he a mess, and I thought I was in bad shape. His straw was strewn everywhere. Talk about someone wearing their heart on their sleeve. He did. He was so clueless and didn't understand anything. It was like talking into one ear and it coming out the other. So dumb. I wondered why, but Momma taught me to always be nice to people regardless of their abilities.

We walked for miles. We went through some pretty scary situations. We finally saw the wizard who...

 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?