St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

Read Messages




Messages in Jokes Forum



Posted by Tucker on 2013-06-03 21:04. 0 comments. 282 reads
 
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster clucks defiance and...
The lawyer f---- the clients

Posted by lubro on 2013-06-01 12:13. 1 comments. 921 reads
 
Once upon a time………………………
A man and a woman, who had never met and were married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get you...


Posted by SMITTY on 2013-05-08 23:34. 6 comments. 1226 reads
 
I apologize, but this was too good to not pass along.

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is a couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Taking care to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask that qu...


Posted by justmepacing on 2013-04-09 21:10. 4 comments. 1431 reads
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

... Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms...


Posted by justmepacing on 2013-03-28 19:08. 1 comments. 367 reads
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

Posted by jcabezon on 2013-03-20 14:04. 3 comments. 527 reads
 
With these new body scanners that aren't magnetic, I'm waiting for the day some moron tackles me for a "bomb" in my chest

Posted by somehow on 2013-03-12 14:16. 1 comments. 388 reads
 
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes" said Finney......"Where are you calling from?"

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-03-03 05:31. 8 comments. 527 reads
 
A few minutes ago i checked into the PM club ,in my continual quest to find the meaning of life, and there was the message :-

" We have 0 visitors online " . Could someone please confirm ; has the world ended or not ?

Ian,......... alone in the UK with just his PM for company

Hang on ..there's a strange orange glow in the sk



Posted by windway on 2013-03-02 08:28. 2 comments. 1125 reads
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm a...


Posted by windway on 2013-03-01 14:13. 1 comments. 370 reads
 


In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."


Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.


She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



Posted by windway on 2013-03-01 12:29. 0 comments. 1007 reads
 
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-02-27 12:42. 6 comments. 662 reads
 
1. Missing a heartbeat when you think of him/her.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Tachycardia which may lead to ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction (Heart Attack).

2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Parkinson's Disease

3. Constant smiling.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Bell's Palsy

4. Absent mindedness, forgetfulness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease

5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or comes over.
You think it's: Love
Medical possi...


Posted by somehow on 2013-02-08 08:28. 0 comments. 560 reads
 
Have you heard of the Irishman from Cork who drowned?

Posted by Tattoo Man on 2013-02-08 08:13. 13 comments. 558 reads
 
"Daddy, Daddy...I want a Pony !!! "

"Sorry Love , we still have a freezer full of Horse to get through first"

also..

I checked the ingredients on a packet of burgers in the supermarket. I was pleased that it was low on salt but quite high on Shergar

Tattoo Man




Posted by Reboot1212 on 2013-02-07 09:20. 3 comments. 459 reads
 
I think the toaster is flirting with me.

Posted by pete on 2013-02-07 08:07. 0 comments. 905 reads
 
A man with a pacemaker collapsed whilst walking through a barrier in a store.
The store manager called 911.
The paramedics rushed him to the nearest hospital where his pacemaker was reset and reprogramed.
He regained consciousness only to find for Nuns standing beside him. One of them had a clipboard.
She said to him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance"
He replied "No health insurance"
The nun asked " Do you have money in the bank"
He replied " No money in the bank"
The nun then asked if he had a relative who could pay.
He said he only had a sister who was a nun an a spinster.
The nun at this point was very cross and sain Nuns are married to GOD.

Posted by somehow on 2013-02-06 09:23. 2 comments. 325 reads
 
A young,blond woman walks up to the circulation desk in the local library and says," I'LL HAVE A BURGER,CHOCOLATE SHAKE, AND FRIES!"

The library clerk sternly replies,"This IS a library".

To which the young woman quietly whispers,"i'll have a burger,chocolate shake and fries"

Posted by somehow on 2013-02-06 09:04. 0 comments. 237 reads
 
Have you heard about the new Doctor doll?

You wind it up and it operates on batteries!

Posted by Reboot1212 on 2013-02-05 12:08. 11 comments. 469 reads
 
When I sneeze, the garage door opens.

Posted by justmepacing on 2013-01-30 12:46. 2 comments. 795 reads
 
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding t...




Member Login
email:

password:



Who's Online?
We have 215 visitors online.

Members online:
  annie21
  Tattoo Man

You're Wired When...
The dog’s invisible fence prevents you from leaving the backyard.

Member Quotes
I’m healthy as a horse because of the pacemaker.

Pacemaker Interference Protection



Site content and design © 2000-2014 Pacemaker Club Inc.
All rights reserved.