St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

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Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-27 12:23. 5 comments. 458 reads
 


2000 B.C. -- Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. -- That root is heathen. Say this prayer.

1850 A.D. -- That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion.

1940 A.D. -- That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. -- That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic.

2008 A.D. -- That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

2013 A.D. -- Will that root affect my Pacemaker ?

Posted by Heartbless on 2013-10-26 09:23. 6 comments. 904 reads
 
(This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!!)

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,

Almost every time I ...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-10-02 10:00. 7 comments. 681 reads
 
America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended).

Ian

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-09-23 12:46. 13 comments. 905 reads
 
I have a pet goldfish and , since having a PM . it just stares at me. It is quite scary ; I may mention it to my cardiologist. I think it has been talking to patma's cat. I will be grateful for any advice because it is stressing me out !

Ian

Posted by Bevof NC on 2013-08-31 23:05. 3 comments. 306 reads
 
Why don't we all just start taking our naps on a battery mat???

Posted by Bevof NC on 2013-08-18 16:00. 2 comments. 559 reads
 
A couple of people have asked me what I was building. Thought I'd clarify: I'm 1st cutting the limbs and then cutting down 2 trees...Oh, oh....Not sure but, I think I'm sittin' on wrong side of ...s .......a ...w ...


Posted by Duke Heart Patient on 2013-08-06 17:14. 2 comments. 990 reads
 
This one isn't very good, but I guess it's a joke LOL:

A man comes home from work and can’t find his wife. After looking all over the house he finds her in the bedroom as naked as a jay bird standing in front of a mirror looking at herself. She had recently had a pacemaker installed.

The man yells at his wife “What are you doing?”

The wife replies “I had a doctor’s appointment today and the doc checked out the PM scar and in the course of the exam he said that I have the breasts of a 20 year old”

The man replies “What did the doctor say about your 50 year old fat ass?”

The wife calmly replied “Your name didn’t come up”

And then the fight started.

Posted by tha gator on 2013-06-29 18:24. 9 comments. 660 reads
 
does anyone know where i can get a app for my iphone to make adjustments to my pacer? would save me a trip to the doctor next week

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-06-26 05:53. 6 comments. 714 reads
 
Dr : Wellll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

Dr "Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

Dr : "How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.

Dr : "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig

Dr : "Well we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, or why you are here.

Dr : "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next w...


Posted by Tucker on 2013-06-03 21:04. 0 comments. 319 reads
 
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster clucks defiance and...
The lawyer f---- the clients

Posted by lubro on 2013-06-01 12:13. 1 comments. 1002 reads
 
Once upon a time………………………
A man and a woman, who had never met and were married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get you...


Posted by SMITTY on 2013-05-08 23:34. 6 comments. 1328 reads
 
I apologize, but this was too good to not pass along.

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is a couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Taking care to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask that qu...


Posted by justmepacing on 2013-04-09 21:10. 4 comments. 1553 reads
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

... Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms...


Posted by justmepacing on 2013-03-28 19:08. 1 comments. 398 reads
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

Posted by jcabezon on 2013-03-20 14:04. 3 comments. 555 reads
 
With these new body scanners that aren't magnetic, I'm waiting for the day some moron tackles me for a "bomb" in my chest

Posted by somehow on 2013-03-12 14:16. 1 comments. 411 reads
 
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes" said Finney......"Where are you calling from?"

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-03-03 05:31. 8 comments. 566 reads
 
A few minutes ago i checked into the PM club ,in my continual quest to find the meaning of life, and there was the message :-

" We have 0 visitors online " . Could someone please confirm ; has the world ended or not ?

Ian,......... alone in the UK with just his PM for company

Hang on ..there's a strange orange glow in the sk



Posted by windway on 2013-03-02 08:28. 2 comments. 1189 reads
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm a...


Posted by windway on 2013-03-01 14:13. 1 comments. 401 reads
 


In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."


Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.


She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



Posted by windway on 2013-03-01 12:29. 0 comments. 1078 reads
 
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed...




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