If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKER...

 

Anybody else struggling to identify themselves post retirement?

Since I was forced into early retirement due to heart disease, I often ponder how to define myself to others that I meet. I even wonder what best to put in my epitaph when the time comes.

Stating my former professional titles seems somehow inappropriate. Saying I'm a retired Executive seems equivalent to saying I'm not an executive, that’s no longer who I am, and just doesn’t adequately define me.

This morning that question was answered for me in the newspapers.

While scanning the obituaries, I noticed a name that seemed somewhat familiar, and read the scant details of that unfortunate individuals life. As I skimmed his stats, it...

 

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. ? Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is ...

 

a woman walks in to the local pharmacy and asked the drugist for cyanide. he replied. why would you want to buy cyanide. she said to kill my husband. he replied that is against the law. i can't sell you cyanide i and you will both go to jail. then she showed him a picture of her husband with the pharmacist's wife in bed. he replied i didn't know you had a prescription. sure jessie

 

To those of you that do not play golf I apologize for cluttering up the PM Club sit with this message.

To those of you that do play golf go to the web site below and take a look. Some people in Cuero, TX have definitely put real meaning to the description of golf as Cow Pasture Pool.


http://www.frontiertexas.com/bcc.html

 

To those of you that do not play golf I apologize for cluttering up the PM Club sit with this message.

To those of you that do play golf go to the web site below and take a look. Some people in Cuero, TX have definitely put real meaning to the description of golf as Cow Pasture Pool.

 

An elderly lady went to her doctor's office rather concerned. As she was talking to the doctor, she stated "I'm not sure what is wrong, but lately, I have had gas real bad. The thing is though that they are silent and you can never smell them. As a matter of fact, I have released gas several times while we have been talking." The doctor wrote her out a script and asked her to come back in a couple weeks so that they could check on her progress.

A couple weeks goes by and the woman comes back to the doctor's office and he asks, "So, how are we progressing?" To which she replies, "Well, I still have the gas and they are still silent, however, the smell is just awful now. I'm not sure what those pills were, but they have made...

 

A biker went into the doctors as he was worried about his hearing. The Doc said can you explain the symptoms the biker replied Oh yeah man Homer is a bald yellow guy and Marge is a skinny chick with blue hair ............

Bella x

 

try saying this really quickly over and over:

White leather, yellow leather....

LOL.

 

The Bottle of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married; this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noti...

 

My friends, we all know that many co-members offer advice here, and while I'm sure they are well meaning and would never intentionally inflict harm on others, use some caution when following that advice.

Awhile back there was some discussion about physical exertion and exhaustion, I recall it was walking up stairs. Someone suggested that you pause at the bottom of the stairs, beat on your chest like Tarzan and then proceed up the stairs. The prevailing theory being that action would alert your pacer to physical exertion and rate response would kick up the pace so to speak.

So being the dutiful member and trying to follow the gracious advice of my highly respected co-members, immediately before some physical exertion, ...

 

I was just at the beach this past weekend. While lying on the sand, this fat man in a Speedo holding some electronic device walked up to me and insisted that I get up and move.
After I insisted that it was in his best interest to find some decent swim trunks, I further explained that the beach went on for miles and he could find some other place to sit- preferably not in the vicinity of me.
After some back and forth conversation, it took me a while to realize just why he wanted me to move. Turns out the electronic device in his hand was a metal detector and he was convinced I was lying a top a some trasure (like a nail or something).
He didn't believe me when I told him the "prize" was inside me and I'm worth a ton, but I mo...

 

It was a wonderful drive home yesterday.

I rolled the window down to allow the 98 degree breeze to tease my hair like a hairdryer. Ain’t nothing like baked on sweat.

The radio station caught my vibe and surprised me by playing all of my favorite songs back to back. Just as I was jammin’ and singing along to “Boom, Boom, Pow”, I almost hit a cow and I swerved like a crooked arrow that had been arched by a drunken cupid.

To my left an entire stampede of cows resting in a field with the exception of a lone cow standing as if giving a pep talk to his fellow cow-pade. I guess the one playing “chicken” in the road had about enough of the speech as he could stand and was trying to find other means of entertainmen...

 

For those rough days: LAUGH. It's always the best medicine and has the BEST side-effects.....

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

click to read more...

 

I must admit, another rejection, another broken heart.

What's up with the Americans with disabilities act ? Doesn't seem to be protecting those of us with Pacer Makers and ICD's.

First I received a letter of rejection from Sports Illustrated for the position as Swimsuit Model, claimed it had nothing to do with that camels hump on my left shoulder. Now I receive a rejection from NASA.

Seems I cannot be an Astronaut because I take lasix, and they only have one working toilet on the space station...excuses.
Isn't this discrimination?

I'm still holding out hope for the Air Force..their com mercials say to be all you can be...

 

It's a shame that magnets and implanted folk don't get along very well, because just think of the jokes we could play on people. I would consider it a bonus to have the ability to make things stick to my pacemaker.

I would definitely have a pencil on my desk rigged with a magnet on the "sharp" end to mimic a stabbing. I mean the possibilities are endless for pranks.

And Halloween....get out of here......

I mean, if we have to have these devices why can't we have a little fun with them as well.

 

It's been a bit warm in Arizona as many of you are aware. I seem to be having more difficulty coping with the heat this year than ever before, and attributed it to my heart condition. However, I am beginning to suspect that may not be the case.

Earlier this morning, I heard a persistent knocking on my back door, and when I opened it, there stood my two desert tortoises, dancing on tip toe trying to keep from burning their feet and begging to come into the air conditioned house. While it may sound cruel I didn't let them in because they terrorize Psycho and Assassin cats. A bit later, I found a Gila Monster upside down in the yard languishing with heat stroke, and I heard on the local mid-day news even the camels in the zoo were ...

 

How long will be be before Apple jumps into the growing pacemaker market and comes out with the iPacer. Think about it... a little touchscreen on your chest where you can not only set your own pacemaker settings but also play iTunes, never be lost again because it has a GPS (and the ambulance knows where to find you if you run into a problem), dials the doctor whenever it or you have a question... any other ideas on what to have in it.

 

Hey Cabg Patch...... did your "harley davidson ICD" cost as much as a new bike?? I bet it did!!

Too bad you didnt get the BMW pacer... its an electric start and runs all the time!!!!!

Nice shout !!!

 

Hey, do you think they have the 4th of July in England?

If not, what comes after the 3rd of July? :) Keep smiling folks.