St. Jude Medical Pacemakers & ICDs

Read Messages




Messages in Jokes Forum



Posted by windway on 2013-03-01 14:13. 1 comments. 418 reads
 


In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."


Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.


She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



Posted by windway on 2013-03-01 12:29. 0 comments. 1099 reads
 
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed...


Posted by IAN MC on 2013-02-27 12:42. 6 comments. 731 reads
 
1. Missing a heartbeat when you think of him/her.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Tachycardia which may lead to ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction (Heart Attack).

2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Parkinson's Disease

3. Constant smiling.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Bell's Palsy

4. Absent mindedness, forgetfulness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease

5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or comes over.
You think it's: Love
Medical possi...


Posted by somehow on 2013-02-08 08:28. 0 comments. 1035 reads
 
Have you heard of the Irishman from Cork who drowned?

Posted by Tattoo Man on 2013-02-08 08:13. 13 comments. 595 reads
 
"Daddy, Daddy...I want a Pony !!! "

"Sorry Love , we still have a freezer full of Horse to get through first"

also..

I checked the ingredients on a packet of burgers in the supermarket. I was pleased that it was low on salt but quite high on Shergar

Tattoo Man




Posted by Reboot1212 on 2013-02-07 09:20. 3 comments. 497 reads
 
I think the toaster is flirting with me.

Posted by pete on 2013-02-07 08:07. 0 comments. 1008 reads
 
A man with a pacemaker collapsed whilst walking through a barrier in a store.
The store manager called 911.
The paramedics rushed him to the nearest hospital where his pacemaker was reset and reprogramed.
He regained consciousness only to find for Nuns standing beside him. One of them had a clipboard.
She said to him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance"
He replied "No health insurance"
The nun asked " Do you have money in the bank"
He replied " No money in the bank"
The nun then asked if he had a relative who could pay.
He said he only had a sister who was a nun an a spinster.
The nun at this point was very cross and sain Nuns are married to GOD.

Posted by somehow on 2013-02-06 09:23. 2 comments. 363 reads
 
A young,blond woman walks up to the circulation desk in the local library and says," I'LL HAVE A BURGER,CHOCOLATE SHAKE, AND FRIES!"

The library clerk sternly replies,"This IS a library".

To which the young woman quietly whispers,"i'll have a burger,chocolate shake and fries"

Posted by somehow on 2013-02-06 09:04. 0 comments. 269 reads
 
Have you heard about the new Doctor doll?

You wind it up and it operates on batteries!

Posted by Reboot1212 on 2013-02-05 12:08. 11 comments. 513 reads
 
When I sneeze, the garage door opens.

Posted by justmepacing on 2013-01-30 12:46. 2 comments. 870 reads
 
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding t...


Posted by windway on 2013-01-28 07:33. 0 comments. 802 reads
 
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.


Posted by terrythetech on 2013-01-22 13:18. 11 comments. 1001 reads
 
Ok so here is what happened while I was getting my pacemaker installed.
The sedation used is called “conscious sedation” because they can talk to you during surgery but you never remember anything. Apparently I was on the table but must have been a little light on the sedation portion as I overheard the doctor having trouble saying the word “Sheath”. He told me after surgery that I woke up enough to say “Can you say that in mixed company?” He said he asked the others in the operating room if I just came out of anesthesia enough to crack a joke and go back out. He told me the o-r was roaring in laughter.

A week after surgery I was being checked out by the “device nurse”. He showed me the difference of my pacemaker pa...


Posted by SMITTY on 2013-01-18 19:19. 2 comments. 460 reads
 
This is for my friends that have passed 50, or just getting close, take a listen. All it takes is 4.5 min. and the truth awaits you.

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/6dbBfXCMbH4?rel=0

Posted by windway on 2013-01-15 07:01. 1 comments. 788 reads
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.

Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man -'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'


Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..

Posted by IAN MC on 2013-01-09 06:11. 11 comments. 513 reads
 
'I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't
finished.....

....so, I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
Chardonnay, a bodle of JacK Daniells, a butle of wum, a pockage of ice creme, the mainder of bot Prozic, 35 stattin tablets,half a bottul of beetabloccers, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

Ian


Posted by justmepacing on 2013-01-05 18:50. 2 comments. 827 reads
 
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there...


Posted by justmepacing on 2013-01-04 16:19. 5 comments. 708 reads
 
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears lo...


Posted by justmepacing on 2013-01-01 07:33. 2 comments. 380 reads
 
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

Posted by IAN MC on 2012-12-28 07:06. 7 comments. 481 reads
 

I went for my routine check up today and everything was going well, until he asked me to drop my trousers!

Do you think I should change my dentist?

Ian



Member Login
email:

password:



Who's Online?
We have 823 visitors online.

Members online:
  AngrySparrow1
  Tattoo Man
  orca58

Polls
What type of device do you have?

Single lead pacer
Dual lead pacer
CRT
CRT-D
ICD

You're Wired When...
Muggers want your ICD, not your wallet.

Member Quotes
Life is finally better.

Bra Strap Comfort for Pacemaker Patients



Site content and design © 2000-2014 Pacemaker Club Inc.
All rights reserved.