A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M6 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £40,000 a year and you make £1.7M when y...

 

Well my friends, I don't know exactly how to say this, it's difficult. I guess the best approach is direct, the end is near.

After this long, and often painful battle, I find the end is close by and closing in.

Indeed there have been times when the effects weren't too bad, but, and I've never shared this with you, more often than not I've found the pain and anguish almost unbearable. In fact when it impacted me most is when I spent the most time here with you. I needed to be close to those I cared for and share in this ordeal.

My postings were humorous, but more to mask my suffering than out of genuine joy on my part.

And so I find the struggle is nearly at an end. At times it seemed it would g...

 

So, ..picture this..two oldish Ladies, .both with pacemakers are sitting on a bench in the park....

Suddenly a Naked Jogger comes tripping by...

One Lady has a stroke

The other couldnt reach...

-------------------------

As I live and breathe.. this gag has just come via Skype from the Costa del Sol, from my Sainted Mother-in-Law..Eileen..herself a Pacemaker Queen.

I know its an old one ,..but so is she (87)..I love you Eileen,.. an inspiration to all the Family.

Tattoo Man

 

Last night I was with my lovely bride, sharing one of those private moments, get your minds right people, we were talking. As we conversed, that pesky ringing of the house phone reverberated throughout the house, disrupting our conversation. While we know it’s almost assuredly a political robo-call, when one has children, there is always that nagging concern it could be urgent.

Reluctantly, I rose to go answer the phone. As I reached the apex of my ascent, it was as if a great celebration of my accomplishment was underway. The whistle of rockets just before the fireworks display to rival a fourth of July celebration manifest itself to my surprise. As rapidly as those sounds and images were displayed, they dissipated and I realiz...

 

Improved Pacemaker -- TIC

I've had a pacemaker now for better than 5 weeks and have found my health to be a big improvement. They certainly are great pieces of equipment; however, seems to me that, given that PMs have become so sophisticated and are now wifi controlled, they could make some real additions to them in the future.

Given external wifi control, my first suggestion is that they include an alarm clock in the PM. Think of the advantage of not having to carry an alarm clock with you when you travel -- you could have your PM wake you up.

Something could be said for replacing your Walkman in the gym with a PM music function (it would be heart-felt music) -- you would never be in danger of leaving i...

 

By now most people have had the, shall we say pleasant experience dealing with mobile phone services, so I’m sure you guys are familiar with the process of upgrading.

Our Cellular phone service contract expired recently, and coincidentally, my wife’s phone was at that point that a replacement was desperately needed.

The screen on her phone was so badly marred, scratched, and damaged that she couldn’t even read text messages, or see phone numbers when using it. Additionally, the technology has evolved significantly in the two years plus since she last upgraded her phone.

Being an astute consumer, my wife began researching the latest technologies and equipment available along with services and costs. After...

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits


5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Spe...

 

A Traffic Cop pulls over an Old Lady for Speeding


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I kil...

 

Is it just me or are the Black Cubes heading for pacemakers ?/

Tattoo Man

PS for many who like this site,..it just might be that some of Doctor Who ,,.is made up.

Most,..as we all know is factual journalism

LOL very OL...TM

 

As my surgeon was wrapping up in the OR (btw, I was completely alert and awake during my procedure, which was rather weird but interesting to me), I told him and the OR crew this joke that my brother (who also has a pacemaker) had just told me before I went in for the PM procedure.

A pastor was visiting an older lady in the hospital who was dying. As she was dying, she handed him a note. The pastor put it in his pocket for safekeeping, and the woman died. A few days later at her funeral, the pastor was speaking and remembered that he had the note from the lady. He told those in attendance that she had given him a note as she was dying. He said that he would read it for the first time to them all right now. As he opened the...

 

Picture the scene:

An intimate table for two in a bijou restaurant.

John:...."Darling how come you are so unspeakably gorgeous and at the same time just a bit dippy"?

Mary....."Sweetheart thats so easy to answer,...God made me gorgeous so thay you would be attracted to me"

John..."Er..yes" ??

Mary..." And God made me a bit stupid so that I would be attracted to YOU"

Tattoo Man, still an avid student of studying the Fairer Sex..

 

A wonderful quote in the Daily Telegraph ,a national newspaper in the UK, today. Sir Rory Collins of Oxford University is suggesting that everyone over the age of 50 should take statins. He accused medical regulators of over-stating the possible side-effects of statins. :-

"Sir Rory disputes claims that statins can cause sleep disturbances, memory loss, sexual dysfunction, depression, lung disease, cataracts, diabetes, memory loss and confusion."

I wonder if HIS memory loss will make him reduce his statin consumption ?

Cheers

Ian

 

That's what it is.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was ...

 

Capital Letters? Who uses them anymore? ..... A teachers explanation

From a teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

 

Olympics TV Announcer Goofs

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they wish they could take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we ca...

 

Hi all...try this statistic :

Yorkshire alone has more Medals than the whole of Australia.

Secondly the UK may be third in medal numbers but factor in our relatively small population and we have the most per million people. A theory going round is that medal diameter should be in proportion to population density. I reckon that IAN, Don and Frank could work out a formula between them. All I know is that Brit Golds would be the size of dinner plates and Chinese ones would be the size of a penny !!

TM..standing to attention and singing the National Anthem

 

an couple of 39 years wanted to heat things up a bit so meet me at the table in the am( butt naked ) so the wife looks at her husban of 40 years and says my nipples are hot and tingling he says sit up one is in your oatmeal the outher in your cup of joe

 

...so Brenda, the Nun says to John , the Monk..."John, do you think that the Church will ever approve of marriage between Nuns and Monks ??"

John gives this some thought and replies...

"Probably not in our lifetime..and probably not in our childrens lifetime either"

TM

 

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs
one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's
on sale...

 

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family jewels