An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

ý1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your ri...

 

Not long ago while traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

Just after I sat down a voice from the next stall asks:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed:
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" ??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
...

 

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a highway patrolman sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, 'this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder,' so he turns on his lights and stops the car. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was do...

 

Almost my third anniversay of the pm implant and I am suddenly so so tired. Need hour long naps often. Dr. is taking tests. no answers yet. any ideas? I feel like I did the day the pm was implanted. they say it is working fine. but I am not. I am only 75, but feel like 95 might feel. thanks for any suggestions. Ann

 

The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.” “I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”

“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”

 

Arthuritus - you can make something funny be even funnier. You will be our new Frankitus.
Very clever.

 

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking sad. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife makes him a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the br...

 

Joke from Superior Threads website:
A motorcycle mechanic was working on the engine from a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist walk in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, come take a look at this."
A bit surprised, the cardiologist walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic stood up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in. When I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $40,000 a year and you make over a million dollars a year wh...

 

You should all know my philosophy of life before considering my advice. I found someone who has put it well.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

have fun,
frank

 

An old guy (not in the best shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a hot looking young woman.

He asked the trainer that was near by, "what machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

 

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A BAD DAY?

There goes my job as a Walmart greeter ... My 1 day employment.

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter (a good find for many retirees) I lasted less than a day.  About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.  I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they...

 

As I read the postings here it is easy to see that many members have pain one way or another. So I'm posting the following with the hope that it may give someone reason for a chuckle for a second or two and get their mind off their misery. Now, I know this may not appropriate and if Admin or one of the moderators think it should not be here please remove it and accept my apology. Smitty

Texas - The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping'."

Tennessee...

 

To whom this may concern,
We regret to inform you that your appointment has been rescheduled. Your new appointment is Friday, October 21.

Please arrive at your appointment 15 minutes early. Have your insurance card, photo ID and co-pay ready at check in.

We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

 

Unbelieveable, the board is absolutely dead, I come in and there's no activity whatsoever.

I guess the predictions of the Rapture really did come to pass, and I'm sitting here all alone. Darn ICD ! I guess it really does stand for "I Can't Die"

Ha, the joke is on every body who was taken, you really do need money in heaven, they have a wicked BINGO game going there...

 

I found the problem that threatened the End of the World tomorrow. In the beginning the worlds Upper Limit was set too low. I posted the change on the Heavenly Site and it is being increased a few millenniums.

So relax and enjoy.

Many gufa's

frank

 

Last night my scar started burning like fire. Can someone please look at the photo I just posted and tell me what might be going on? Thanks

 

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines."Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines once more. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm...

 

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time late...

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
...