Pep Talk
Hi everyone,
Been going through a rough time and could use a pep talk. I am realizing that I am scared of the PM and times when I may be pacing. I am scared that I have it. I went to the dr. and was pacing 5% of the time as compared to 1% like before. Am I getting worse? I am having a hard time with confidence and self esteem lately. It's been no secret that I am having a hard time accepting it. I am still frightened I will pass away like my father did.
I just feel frightened all the time, scared and anxious. I know so many of you here have more in depth problems and I don't mean to come off like I am a lucky one who is just whining. That's not what I am trying to do.
I just could really use some pep talks that will stick in my head at times of high anxiety. If you could take a minute....and send me some happy thoughts or encouragement....I would truly appreciate it.
Thanks,
Wendy
14 Comments
Thank you
by wenditt - 2010-04-17 07:04:15
Cfritza-I will try to say that to myself...thank you.
Tracey-I could use a hug about now! It's exactly like you said-up swings and then down. I am speaking to a therapist...I think it's a work in progress or she is helping to dig up more worms than I need right now and making things worse! LOL.....I'm just not sure.
Still having panic attacks which has me a little down. I feel like my self esteem is gone along with my confidence. At the point sometimes when it just feels like anxiety runs through my veins. I'm afraid of everything....most of all myself. And Tracey everything you says makes sense...I just wish the rational side of my brain could hang on to it and hang on to it good!
LS-I went for a second opinion and he said that everything looked fine and that nothing indicated that any else was wrong or any further tests were needed. I was on cloud 9...but it lasts for only so long.
This site is where I find my most strength. Because the therapist doesn't have a PM...so she doesn't really know what it's like. But you guys do.
Thanks for all your input.....I truly appreciate it.
let the dust settle
by Tracey_E - 2010-04-17 07:04:25
Sometimes you have to shake things up a bit before the dust settles and you get back to normal. That's what therapists do. You have to yank the bandaid off before you can heal sometimes, ya know?
The rational side of your brain is just fine, unfortunately that pesky irrational side keeps sticking its nose in! Panic attacks are a medical condition. So is depression. Neither one is your fault or something we can handle on our own. You're doing the right things! Keep talking to us when you need to, keep seeing your therapist. With time and work, it WILL get better. Sending hugs and chocolate and a nice glass of wine.
Wendy
by LS - 2010-04-17 07:04:30
I think your feelings are quite normal, but when it begins to affect your daily spirit & living, maybe time to talk to a professional? Or even your family Dr. that could advise you. Heck, even your cardioligist!!
Especially if those feelings just can't be "shaken" off.
Try to focus on the positive right now. You're doing great, the Dr. didn't say anything negative did he? The PM seems to have fixed the problem!! That's all good news!!!
I hope this helped.
Feel free to email me ANY time.
Hugs, Liz
pep
by Tracey_E - 2010-04-17 07:04:52
I specialize in pep :o)
You are not your father. You have a problem that was fixed. If you were diabetic, you'd take insulin. If your knee was beyond repair, you'd have it replaced. This is not much different- you had a problem, you got it fixed. Your time to be worried was before you had the pm. Now you have a safety net. Keep telling yourself that. Print it out on a full page half a dozen times and tape them all over your house if that's what it takes to remind you. These computers we have are incredibly dependable. You trust a computer every time you drive your car or get on an airplane, right? This isn't much different, but they are a lot lower maintenance and have fewer problems. You CAN trust it.
1% or 5%, neither one is really that much. A change in settings can easily make a difference in the numbers, it just means the pm is working a bit differently, not necessarily that you need it more. Example- if your natural resting rate is 65 and they take your minimum rate from 70 to 60, your heart is still doing the same thing but the pm is kicking in a lot more. The important thing is that it's always there when you need it, be it once a day or every beat. I'm sure you've heard me say it before, the numbers are irrelevant so don't get too tied up in them.
Unsolicited advice... find a professional to talk to and stick with it. We've chatted on and off list for a while now. You'll seem better for a while and I'll be so happy to think you're on the upswing, then you backslide again. It's sad to watch, knowing you're unhappy and it's likely affecting your family and you are worrying your way through a time of your life that you can't get back. There are people who can help, use them. You deserve to feel good and enjoy life.
I'm happy to give you a pep talk whenever you want- through here or email or IM or phone, whatever you're comfortable with. I wish we lived closer so we could meet for coffee and I could give you a hug.
what helps me?pmd
by cfritza - 2010-04-17 07:04:56
Hi Wendy,
Sorry to hear your feeling anxious. I know I still have times when I worry about those things too, although not all the time.
I read one posting by Electric Frank when he said something about facing our own mortality and it really rang true to me. Even though I don't want to die (just yet) I have thought about it more now than I ever had and even though it's scary sometimes it does make you think about what is important. None of us know when we will die, even those without health issues. We have today not tomorrow or yesterday and feeling anxious of what we can't control just takes away from living and I try to tell myself that everytime I get anxious and 99.9% of the time it works :-).
I don't know if this helps but it helped me just writing it down (kind of like reinforcement) Thinking of you and saying a special prayer.pmd
hang in there :)
by breezy - 2010-04-17 08:04:27
Pray lots - think positive - and try not to let the anxiety
take over - believe me I know about anxiety - and your brain can and will take over if you let it - I am much better handling this PM now then I was just last month
I find that if I walk and breath the fresh air that I feel much better about life and me and the PM - I also have a husband that walks and talks with me - he listens when I say I Need to talk and now - that is when we grab the dogs and go walking..I find if I keep things inside it just gets worse and my mind makes me think I am not well - when I really am... so I know how you feel and it seems like I have to work at it every day - I hope in time that the feelings that I have about life in general will get better - as my husband says - you have everything to live for so don't go backwards - go forwards
take care Wendy and I will pray for you to feel better
Blessings
breezy
Wendy
by Pookie - 2010-04-17 09:04:51
You know I'm here for you too....sorry my email to you last night was so long, but sometimes I get diarrhea of the mouth, but at the same time I was trying to say things different ways, hoping for "that" sentence you could hold onto.
You are not alone like everyone here has said. Unfortunately, it will take some time, but wanna know something really cool??? -- After all is said and done, you will be a stronger person. You will have a different look on life - a better one.
The way I look at it now is: ALL of my problems are happening for a reason. And I am a better person now than I ever was prior to the pacer.
You are doing all the right things!!! You are moving forward and seeking help which is a HUGE first step so be proud of yourself.
Being afraid is very normal after having a pacer or defib. You will, in time, be okay.
I just wish I could spin the wheel of life for you and you would land where you want to be right now.
We are here for you....you are never alone. Never.
I like what Renee said: the human mind can't keep 2 things in concentration at the same time....SO true!!!
Just believe in yourself....you will get there.
Big squishy hugs,
Pookie
Intimidated by pacer?
by ElectricFrank - 2010-04-18 01:04:37
I just weighed my old pacer and it tips the scales at 1.0oz. Assuming you are a person of average weight you 2400 times as heavy as it. Are you going to let that little thing get to you?
Or here is another thought. You actually have actually had a natural pacemaker all your life. Seems that it is letting you down so it is time to trust that little beast they put in your chest.
By the way there is nothing significant about going from 1% to 5% pacing. Just being freaked out about the pacer could do that. Now if it jumped to 100% like mine you would know something had changed.
good luck,
frank
wendy
by Genie - 2010-04-18 04:04:20
Hi Wendy,
I'm still fairly new to the site, so I know we don't know each other well. But I do think I know how you feel. Since the pacemaker three weeks ago I have been anxious, panicking, crying a lot. I worry about the pacemaker working, I worry about it not working. Like yours, mine is supposed to be a 'back up' but I worry it it kicking in more, and what this means. Basically, I worry about everything to do with it.
But I wanted to post because I do believe things are gradually getting better for me, and I'm sure they will for you too. Yesterday I had a really bad day (tachycardia), but today I believe everything is going to be ok. I live in the UK, so therapy is not yet an option for me (takes a long time here, and is not really offered). What has been helping me is trying to distract myself from thinking about. I collect passages that help me when I feel anxious that I can read through (ranging from Bible verses to things I find in magazines in the doctor's waiting room). I read these when things get tough. I find walking really helps, especially if its somewhere where I feel safe. I watch really bad TV and surf the internet!
You are making progress. I try to remember all the little things I have achieved. Anything I have done which I was frightened of (going out, being alone). Then when things get bad, I try to think about these things and remind myself how strong I am. If today is a bad day, it doesn't mean tomorrow will be a bad day. Tomorrow will be the good day. You just have to keep telling yourself that.
The thing about mortality is a hard one but important. My best friend died of cancer when she was 25 (I am now 31). She would have given anything to see one more sunrise, hear the birds one more time, talk to the people she loved. If you wake up and see the sun in the morning, it's a blessing than should fill you with joy.
I know it's tough. You are not alone. I am feeling anxious as I type this. It is ok to be scared. But we can't let the fear rule our lives. They are too precious.
Genie xx
Hi Wendy
by Gellia2 - 2010-04-18 08:04:18
I really can only say one thing.
Thirty five years with a PM.
More than half my life. My PM has given me well more than twice the life I would have had without it.
We really all get the same thing from them. Life. Something we possibly wouldn't have had without it.
I hope you can enjoy the life your PM gives you.
Judging from all the wonderful answers before me, there are many here that care. We're always around for a "pick me up" pep talk! :)
My very best to the enjoyment of your life, Wendy,
Gellia
Thank you
by wenditt - 2010-04-18 10:04:02
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I will hang on to the dearly. This is truly an amazing site.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I appreciate it.
Wenditt
Hey there Girlfriend
by pacergirl - 2010-04-18 10:04:08
My goodness, I'm so sorry to read that you are having such a rough go of it. :-(
I had a friend who couldn't even go outside his house for about 2 years. Then he slowly came around and before you know it he was out doing the things he loved. He was afraid he would die. That was all. Seems so simple doesn't it. Well it is anything but simple.
I myself used to drive to a store and if I could see anyone in the store I wouldn't go in. That's right... I would park my car and watch. When it was clear I would consider going in. What in the heck was I afraid of??? What was my friend afraid of??? Well, it came to be that we decided that we matter. We matter to us and to the people we love so we put on our scared but brave faces and rejoined the world. What a freeing feeling it was!
Now, there are different things that we did to get us over the "hump" I began to work on improving my "look" I began to change the way I looked, my hair, makeup and clothes. I changed the outside and it in turn changed my thoughts. My friend listened to Fleetwood Mac on his mp3 with his headphones. He got over his fear. We focused on our breath and the task at hand. We began to love the sunshine and focused on the little gifts that God provided. He didn't believe in God when I met him either, but that is a story for another time. :-) It changed our lives.
So Wendy, I certainly understand what you are talking about and there is hope for you. I really think you need some girlfriends. Girls that have pacemakers! Are you planning on coming to Tampa in the Fall? Goodness I sure hope so! It would be the best thing for you. To see, hangout and just have some fun with people like you! Men are included of course. ha ha.... I would love to meet you and we can all have a great laugh at who we used to be and celebrate who we have become!
huggggggggggsssssss to you!
pacergirl
I wish I were in your shoes!
by sugarleaf4 - 2010-04-18 12:04:33
You're afraid of living life with a PM and you have one. I am afraid of not being able to live if I don't get one. My heart rate is getting lower and lower and there are times at night that I am afraid of going to sleep because I think, "How low can my heart rate go before my heart just stops beating?"
I would give just about anything to be in your shoes and having to deal with life after being implanted!! As far as I am concerned, my life (as it is at present) sucks big time!! Because I have a low heart rate, my energy level goes down to a point where all I do is walk around trying to keep my eyes open and to function. Going to the mall and shopping until I dropped is something I stopped doing when people twice my age were walking past me as I huffed and puffed and tried to catch my breath.
My self esteem is in the toilet because I see how much I have gone downhill since January arrived and each month that passes, I think that just maybe this might be the month where I can get paced and on the road to recovery. . . . and then nothing. And each month that passes and honestly, it is depressing. I am not the active, energized woman I use to be and be thankful you don't have to deal with my issues of feeling like a slug as I do most days.
I feel so miserable some days and I feel so hopeless about my chances of getting paced that I think being dead would be better than how I feel most days. I now have to deal with chest cramping that scares me to no end and I wonder each time if I'm getting ready to leave this earth. In some respects, that might be okay.
So, ask yourself this, "Would I rather walk in her shoes or in my own?" Every month that passes, you're getting better. For me, every month that passes I feel I'm getting worse and depression is now my next door neighbor. You're not gonna kick the bucket because you have a pacer to prevent that. Me, on the other hand, I think I just might one day kill over and that use to scare me, now I've accepted that as a possibility. I have nothing to help my heart keep beating except prayer!! You really are lucky, fortunate, blessed ----- you've got it made and I wish I were in your shoes!!
You know you're wired when...
You have a little piece of high-tech in your chest.
Member Quotes
As for my pacemaker (almost 7 years old) I like to think of it in the terms of the old Timex commercial - takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
pmd
by cfritza - 2010-04-17 07:04:14
not sure where that pmd came from??