Trying to get confidence back.
Since my PM implant on Feb. 2nd, I had so many ups and downs emotionally. Sometimes the whole idea of my PM just gets me down and it seems like such a battle everyday to stay positive. I read posts about people doing all sorts of activities and I feel jealous because I am afraid to even go shopping. It seems like I have lost confidence and don't trust my body. I'm always fearful something is going to happen to the leads or that they will find something else wrong. I'm afraid to walk my dog because he pulls or sometimes tries to take off after rabbits and that scares me. Went to the grocery store and was nervous being around all the people. Just wish I could be normal again (or not obsess about this so much). Ultimately, I know it's up to me to change and become more positive and there are times when I do feel encouraged. Wish I could feel like I don't even think about my PM any more like some of you have posted. Maybe what is bothering me is that because they told me I am 100% paced, I am afraid the PM will have to be replaced sooner, but they indicated 7-8 years, just not believing it. My husband is very good to me, but I'm jealous because he is exercising, lifting weights, tons of walking, and I feel like I'll never be healthy again. I feel inadequate. My disabled brother lives with us and I'm just used to taking care of everyone, making dinner, cleaning the house, shopping, taking my brother out, walking the dog, sewing, doing crafts, laughing with my husband and just being normal again. My family needs me back and I'm really trying but just gets so hard at times. Thanks so much for listening.
21 Comments
You can do this...
by wenditt - 2010-02-22 05:02:20
My pacemaker implant was a total shock. In my mind I went from being 100% normal and healthy to "you're getting a pacemaker in 2 hours!" Shocked to say the least...
Everyone needs to take their own path. We will all heal emotionally and physically in our own time but there is no time line that's the same for everyone. It's almost like we are grieving for the person we once were...or thought we were.
I have had my PM for 5 months now. I used to be a minute by minute pulse checker, now I'm down to a few times a day! That's progress for me! :-)
Each day you will be a little more comfortable. Each day you will become a little more confidant. Each day you will look in the mirror and see a little more of the person you remember and wish you were again. Everyone on this site told me so...I believe them....because it's happening to me! Each day it gets better and better and it will for you too.
Stay strong, stay busy and know that this thing in your body is not an intruder but a little angel guarding your heart!
Wishing you well,
Wendy
All this helps so much
by Suemarie - 2010-02-22 05:02:24
Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I am just so thankful right now for all the encouragement and caring wishes you have given me. It has helped me tremendously today just knowing that you have felt these same feelings. I think my initial feeling was fear and just trying to get through the surgery, then relief it was over, and now it is acceptance. All just happened too fast and not enough time to absorb it all, but I will be working on it a little bit every day. You are all amazing people! Thanks so much for making my day a little brighter!
Suemarie
Grief
by COBradyBunch - 2010-02-22 05:02:38
Realize you have to go through the stages of grief with this thing. I went through it big time but I just changed my thought process from I have lost a part of myself to I have a new challenge. I have a list of things that I used to do that I have vowed I will do again. My first challenge is this summer doing a bike ride I used to do again. It is physically and psychologically challenging but I figure if I can do that it tells me that I have taken my life back. It will be just a little over a year after my implant and once that is done I have other items on my list. So I guess that is my message. Go through your stages of grief but once that is done use this to set some goals and do some things to prove to yourself you are alive and will live every day and not let that little hitchhiker in your chest rule your life.
Take everyday a step at a time!
by LouLou21 - 2010-02-22 11:02:28
Hi Suemarie,
What you are feeling at this moment is very normal,
these feeling will go away I promise. I got my PM 2 years ago in April and now I just feel its a part of me that has always been there. Up until I reached 30 I had no heath problems at all and had only been in my 30's 2 weeks and then out the blue I end up in hospital! So it couldnt have come more out the blue. I had exactly the same problems as you when I came out of hospital (that became my safe haven, I was scared to leave there!) I lost a lot of weight and felt very weak and frail. Was scared to go upstairs, but each day my partner made me do a little more, go that bit further. I just took each day step by step and gradually I got stronger. It is still early after your implant to be doing anything heavy. If you do want to take your dog for a walk then do so for just as many minutes as you feel up to and build it up each time, be sure to hold his leash with your right hand.
I hope this has been some help to you, it just takes a bit of time.
It took me a while for me to think of my PM as second nature......but it is now and I also had to learn to put my faith in it. You cant change what has happened but you can learn to deal with it. They are amazing pieces of technolgy that keep many of us alive and ticking along!!!!
Take care Stay Positive.
Love Louise.xx
Normalcy
by cfritza - 2010-02-22 11:02:51
Hi Suemarie,
I just wanted to say I know exactly how your feeling cuz I've been there. When I first got my PM in Oct 09, I somehow felt defective, The first time I went to the georcery store alone I felt nervous especially when I'd feel weird feelings with my heart and I did wonder "what next??" I started back running 2 weeks after my implant but was walking my dog (dont use a lease where I walk) the next day just to get back to somewhat normalcy. All I can say is that it just takes time, You do what you need to do and what you use to and see that your ok and that starts giving you confidence about getting back to living your life. Your not alone in wanting to have a normal life and you will get it , it just takes some time. I wish you the best and when the discouraging feelings come just know that they too will pass and your postive feeling will come too!!
Hi Suemarie,
by Gellia2 - 2010-02-22 12:02:03
The others have said things well, as always. Just to put a bit of a medical spin on things. When I had my first dual chamber pacer put in, I couldn't understand why it made me so tired right around three weeks post implantation.
I had had a pacer earlier and didn't feel that way.
It made me cry all the time because I felt the same as you. Inadequate. My family wanted me back.
I found that basically we get an adreneline "letdown". Your body has been "up and primed" for awhile after you have surgery and when it finally starts to "come down" the lack of that adreneline knocks your socks off.
No more "fight or flight", just tears and exhaustion.
Your body will adjust. Just know that what you are going through is NORMAL.
I know it may sound trite, but this too shall pass.
You'll be your old self very soon.
My best to you,
Gellia
P.S. I've had a pacemaker for nearly 35 years now.
Lots of replacements. The first time was always the hardest.
Tears away!
by qwerty - 2010-02-22 12:02:08
Yeah, sometimes it is good to cry... and yes we should all be positive, but you gatta go through the whole process and time is the best healer. I am learning. Have only had my PM for about a week longer than you, got mine on 1/25. I think I am probably older than you as well, I'm 59. I think we have all been through the anxiety but with everyday mine gets better. I asked my hubby if I was crazy because I was anxious about going out. He said yes... I was definately crazy... but that had not changed with the pacemaker I was always crazy. He told his sister last week that he has a secret remote control so he can slow me down some.
I guess what I really wanted to tell you is that I was very aware of my pm and it is difficult not to "feel" it there all the time and work your life around it. But... yesterday, Sunday afternoon, we went out to dinner at some local casinos and spent the afternoon just playing and eating and enjoying the day and even the rain. On the way home, I told hubby... for the first time, there were long periods of the day that I "forgot" about the pm. So it does come... it is just going to take us a while too.
I have not had my PM checked since I was in the hospital, but at that time, I too was pacing at about 100% because my heart rate was so slow. And Yes, I was already obsessing over this thing not lasting, but I feel so much better, and with everyday they make better and better batteries and equipment, so it can only get better for us!!!
Stay well and relax, we are all a little crazy but that keeps the world a fun place to be
Happy Tears
by Suemarie - 2010-02-22 12:02:44
Thank you Louise and Cfritza for your comments. Reading your replies and realizing you don't even know me, makes me just want to cry with happy tears because someone knows what it feels like and cares. Sometimes things just build up and become overwhelming and we need to share those feelings to carry on. So thank you so much for giving me some strength today and hope for the future.
Suemarie
I undersrand
by paulb - 2010-02-22 12:02:44
I got my PM on feb 10 and knw how u feel. I too am nervous and feel so fragile. It is as if i am walking on egg shells. I have had mine adjusted four times due to shock and have to go back again because its still shocking me. It makes me paranoid and today been having racing heart beats. I know after a while we will become comfortable and use to the thought of having a PM but it may take a lil time to get use to it. I knw and remind myself that i am safer now with it than before. After we completley heal and have had it for few months and it s securely fixes in there it will help put our minds at ease and we will feel much phsically and mentally better. Hang in there ill be hanging in there with ya. Keep us posted and hope you feel better everyday. :))
im right there with you
by djacks - 2010-02-23 01:02:27
I totally know what you are going thru, not to the same extreme but im there, i hate that feeling, especially with me being the confident, atheletic, indepentant person, its hard with me still being in the begining stage, not being able to lift more than 5lbs, I had my ICD put in on 1/1/10 and i had to go back in on 2/5/10 to have my lead line replaced, so im paranoid, but we are going thru it together, i wish you the best of luck with your journey...
we have to try to stay positive..
Dennard
Just another one saying it'll get better!
by SaraTB - 2010-02-23 04:02:18
I, too, am 100% paced, and initially it IS scary: it's entirely normal to be shocked by the discovery that you need mechanical assistance.
I had my first PM aged 42, and I was in a daze afterwards: "how could this have happened?" "why me?" or just plain "Huh?". It will gradually improve as you discover that you can do the stuff you always did. Once the leads have settled in, and the incision heals, you can start the process. Over time, I found I was thinking about it less and less, and now, on my 2nd PM, 8 years later, I hardly ever think about it. That day will come for you too.
I think the hardest part is when you have to have it implanted as an emergency, because you have no time to "get used" to the idea, or do any research beforehand. This site can help you as you find new questions. The shock will diminish.
I'd also say that I didn't mind if my PM had a comparative short life, because I wanted to be sure I got the latest technological improvements as soon as I could :) They'll set you up with an external PM during surgery for the replacement, when the time comes, so you'll be fine, even though you are pacer-dependent, like me.
Keep posting here and don't be afraid to share how you're feeling. We know.
At first I was scared
by walkerd - 2010-02-23 07:02:07
I had emergency bypass on Aug 1st, 2008, and pm/defib installation Sept 16th of 2008 and was scared to death to do anything at first but was told by doctors and visiting rehab nurse to start walking and gradually make it longer, you know a few 100 yards for a week, and gradually make it longer each week. I have a 130 lb rotty whom is my constent compainion, it was awhile before I took him with me because of the jerking he would do, I dont remember when I actually started taking him with me but I think it was at least 6 weeks after my pm/defib installation. But I was scared to death with every walk I took, I was terrified that I would surely have a massive coronary while I was walking but it never happened just like the doc said listen to your body it will tell you when to stop and take a break, well at first I stopped and started while walking no body talk, but after awhile I saw hey im ok within about a month after sept i was walking almost 3 miles a day not all at once 1 mile in morning, mile in afternoon if it wasnt to hot, and mile at night not night you know what I mean. It will be ok Louise take it slow and vent on here, it does help, and just try and tell yourself it will be ok, sooner or later you will realize it will, and you will be back as close to your old self that you can be.
keep the faith
dave
oh yes always always talk to your doctor about any concerns you have the positve reinforcement from them that does help. Vent on here and keep it out in the open your feelings it does help even if it is in type and besides thier are people on here that have went thru the samethings.
dave
Group Hug
by Suemarie - 2010-02-23 10:02:48
Please consider this a personal thank you to each and every one of you who responded to my "plea for help." I have been reading your posts over and over and taking it all in...your words of encouragement, advice, and overall support. What I needed was comfort and understanding as well as a little "push" in the right direction, which each of you have provided in your own words. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and one step further in this journey thanks to you all!
Suemarie ,
Memories
by donb - 2010-02-23 11:02:43
Hi Suemarie, I thought I'd add about my past PM years as they have been good years. I got my 1st PM in 1992 for SSS, restless nights, vegal attacks, etc. I was at age 60 and have had a total of 4 PMs' now at age 78. I was the only child, the son of stubborn German parents. My mother was a pusher with a great mind even to her last day at 37days shy of 101 years.
Mom taught me a positive attitude in every way and when I got my PM I felt great. I had some of the same unsure feelings also but soon learned to use Mom's attitude, lots of walking, miles of it real soon after PM building up confidence. I kept my business and worked hard until age 74 before I fully retired. Over the years I also had a Heart stent implant, Cardiac Rehab, which I still actively do. I had another Cardiac Cath a few days ago which checked OK on my hearts plumbing.
I still work hard doing yard work, 2/3 acre lawn. I do the lawn fertilizer non-stop with fully loaded Scott spreader. Yes, that still surprises me as I could never do it non-stop years ago. My mother taught me to use mental determination and work should always be a pleasure to be able to do it with our God's given body. Mom was a perfect example at the Care Facility as she visited her 2 best friends for hours at our local hospital, one with a fresh PM.
She was a pusher but also an Atrial-Fibber for 30 years.
Mom fell asleep peacefully after finishing her breakfast the very next morning in her lazy boy with her Prayers fully answered. Yes, and she was widowed at age 58 and to use her favorite word "WONDERFULL" life. donb
We've all been there
by sln - 2010-02-23 12:02:21
I've had my PM for a little over a year and I remember so well how tentative I felt about everything at first, and like my body was so fragile. I felt like I could barely move my arm without worrying about pulling the leads out, and every bump or jostle from a pothole or my dog pulling the leash (even though I held it with the other hand) was alarming. It seemed like I was thinking about my body and noticing every little thing contantly. Now, everything is different. Yesterday I just got back from a weekend skiing with my son's Boy Scout troop and I barely thought about the PM at all while I was on the slopes (and I am not a long-time athlete like some of the people on this site - I had only skiied a few times before). When I had only had the PM a few weeks, like you, it was hard to think that the future would ever be like that again, but it will. Healing from surgery and getting used to the feeling and idea of the pacemaker took me a long time, but once I got past the shock of the whole thing I could see progress more and more.
Hang in there! Let your family show their love by taking care of you a bit for a change, and know that you'll be your old self soon, just with a more reliable heartbeat! The PM changes nothing about who YOU are.
Excercise and workouts
by ElectricFrank - 2010-02-23 12:02:45
I won't join the sympathizers. Get out and start walking. It not only won't hurt you, but you will feel much better about yourself.
You are still the same person you were before the implant. The pacer is just providing some assistance your heart needs. The 100% dependent isn't that big a deal. You were alive before the put it in and the worst thing that is likely to happen if it quit is you would feel lousy for a short time until they replace it.
None of us get upset about being 100% dependent on food and water. LOL.
By the way it isn't a matter of beng positive, only realistic.
best,
frank
Re: trying to get confidence back
by LS - 2010-02-24 07:02:38
{{{SueMarie}}} I understand exactly what you're feeling/going through. I don't know anyone with a PM, so am feeling a bit "alone" with all this even though I have the love & support of my family.
I have always been so busy & on the go, and have been feeling a bit aprehensive. I watch my 2 grandaughters daily & was nervous about driving there in the AM, but have sucked it up & gone. LOL I also have days feeling nervous about being alone etc. I can't live my life like that though.
I think with it all being so new, some of these feelings will pass in time. I also think this board will be (is) a blessing!!! (Thanks to all who have already given their time & support)
We're all in it together!!!
Encouraged
by Suemarie - 2010-02-25 12:02:09
Thanks everyone for your posts. It is so encouraging to know that what I am feeling is normal and that it will pass. I am already starting to feel a little better...all your support and kind words have embraced me and comforted me. I think you are all survivors and maybe we are stronger than we realize. Even if I have to take baby steps, at least taking a step is what is important. There's a lot of good advice here. I feel determined today to start living my life instead of sitting in my house looking out the window watching the world go by. How that will happen is a work in progress, but I'm heading in the right direction. Thanks again to you all.
Suemarie
You know you're wired when...
Intel inside is your motto.
Member Quotes
Hi, I am 47 and have had a pacemaker for 7 months and Im doing great with it.
Dog Walking
by agilitydog - 2010-02-22 01:02:39
Boy, do I know how you feel about walking the dog!
I have an 80 lb Lab and a 65 lb Lab, and they can sure pull if they've a mind to, even though they've been in training for performance events all their lives and generally have good manners. They can get excited and difficult to control. You should have seen me when I tried to control the big boy while playing fetch, about 8 weeks after OHS. Ouch.
You're only about 3 weeks out from surgery, so you may still be sore, and of course you are feeling fragile these days. That is quite normal. Take short walks for now, but do try to do some. Your dog misses walking with you.
You might want to change your collar/leash combo to give you more leverage.
First, try a pinch collar, a halti (gentle leader/head halter) or no-pull harness (the kind where the snap attaches at their chest, not on their back). A buckle collar, martingale, or even a standard choke chain may not be enough if your dog is very strong and you are feeling weaker.
And make sure you use a leather leash that fits comfortably in your hand: 1/2 inch or 3/4 inch is best, unless your dog is tiny. Nylon, chain, fabric, and thin leather leashes can hurt your hand when the dog pulls.