Anger
I had my implant about 2 months ago. Immediately afterward I noticed I didn't feel like my "self", I felt emotionless, as if part of me had died. I didn't care about things anymore. No, not depression. Something different.
At first I felt much better but then I got a sinus infection that has hung on for a month. I have to work 50 hours mandatory every week and before the surgery worked 60 with no problem. I've lost interest in my job, can barely make myself do the 60 hours and no longer work on weekends. I just have no desire and get no enjoyment out of a job I loved.
There is an ex-family member (was family by marriage) who has been making my kids life hell for a year and a half. I kept telling them to rise above it and let things go because we have a court case coming up and I didn't want them to do anything to mess that up. My boys are both in their 30s.
Yesterday this person called the police because my son and his cousin and 9 neighborhood boys were playing football in the street. The ball bounced off my son's foot and barely bumped her bumper of her car. The cops came, looked at her car, talked to everyone and left.
This seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I have never been violent in my life but I want to go and smash her face in. I want to pay her back for everything she has ever done to hurt my kids since their father died. It's like the old me who preached love and peace and forgiveness is gone. I think of crushing her and there is no emotion. I could do it without blinking an eye.
Is this something that has happened to other people? It's like a complete personality change. Or, more like a draining of the old me and a void that doesn't care about anything.
I went in to work today, not feeling well, and something set me off so I left after only a couple hours. I came home and called my brother and let him have an hour of "honesty" about how I think he needs to grow up and make up his mind, etc. etc. Then I called one of my sons and gave him a lecture. The second son I can't talk to cause I really have a lot to say to him that he will not want to hear and that will cause hard feelings between us.
I don't feel well, I'm tired, I'm frustrated and I just want to quit my job and get outta dodge. It's almost like there is someone else in my body watching me else thru the days.
Am I nuts?
~Maggie~
7 Comments
Recovery
by craigdana2 - 2010-09-20 03:09:58
Yes, I too felt angry, alone, fearful, and bitter, however, I am now getting beyond all of that. I had too. I have retired early from my top Executive position. I am moving away to start my life all over again. It's like Close Encounters of the Third Kind in other words I hear a calling that no one else does. I feel special and afraid at the same time. I know I have a much higher purpose in life. I am determined to find that purpose. Be well my friend. You shall win. Peace.
Maggie
by LS - 2010-09-20 08:09:01
It sure sounds like you have quite a bit going on. I'm sorry for that.
I think we (generic we) often want to blame everything on the "Pacemaker being the reason." Though it isn't.
I would suggest talking to a professional. Whether it's your EP, cardioligist, family Dr. or whomever. These feelings have a way of just exploding if not adressed, and usually not in a good way.
Liz
Thank You
by Mindwrker - 2010-09-20 08:09:24
You have all told me more or less some of what I have been thinking but hearing it from others is always helpful in knowing you are not going crazy. Hopefully the family issues will be over in the next month and I can move on.
The hardest part is I used to be so content and non-judgmental and all that is now gone.
Love and Blessings to all who answered and reached across the miles to help me understand this.
Eveie, can I go to Spain with you? :-) See! I'm feeling better already!
um
by Tracey_E - 2010-09-20 08:09:35
Sounds like depression to me. Depression isn't always a constant sadness, sometimes it's a lack of interest in life. I would suggest talking to a professional. Been there, done that, it works miracles. Good luck!
go for advice
by eveie - 2010-09-20 11:09:33
i went through something like this with a lot of family things going on my son was made redundant i had to deal with my brothers funeral just two of the things.then the pacemaker after collapse. i went through many emotions didnot see a doctor i got worse and eventually had a breakdown but with a good doctor and counceller and some medication i am feeling a great deal better i am off to spain for a two week holiday so please go and get some advice i wish you well for the years to come god bless
Hello Maggie
by 8thID - 2010-09-20 11:09:43
It does sound as if you had much to deal with before you got the PM, and sounds like the PM implant may have thrown you off. I don't know if you have any other problems that would prevent you from taking part in some physical activity, but maybe some sort of activity would help as well as talking with a professional. I've done it and I'm not ashamed to say so. You say you used to love your job but don't anymore--have you tried to reduce your number of hours at work? Don't know if that's possible, but 60 hours is too much--I've done it, too. My last piece of advice is: Maggie, PLEASE do something for YOURSELF! Do you have a hobby, activity you once loved but haven't done it for a while? If you do then MAKE the time and start doing it again. I have a daughter, and I know no matter how old she gets, she will always be my baby. Your sons are grown men, it's time for you to get out and do something for YOU! I found, after my implant, (about 2 months ago) that the best thing I could do was to get some physical exercise, even if it was just taking a walk around the neighborhood. I wish you the best. Take Care!
Jeff
You know you're wired when...
You have a T-shirt that reads Wired4Sound.
Member Quotes
Yesterday was my first day mountain biking after my implant. I wiped out several times and everything is fine. There are sports after pacemakers!
Maggie
by Heidiglassmeyer - 2010-09-20 02:09:32
Hello,
Sounds like you are having to deal with a lot of issues right now. No, I would not say you are "nuts" but maybe having some anger issues that may or not be related to you PM. I can only share some of the feelings that I had and still have after my implant 2/10. After my surgery I had a lot of anger. Angry that I was supposed to have a simple procedure and when I woke up found I had a PM. I thought it was crazy and why me? I resented having to have a PM, co-workers viewed my as not as effective, which was not the case, and angry that I was in a situation that I had no control over. I found I would be very short with my kids, and say hurtful things to my husband simply because I was not coping well. Also being 41 and my hormones starting to play tricks on me. My only advise is to determine through professional guidance what is going on. I have never had issues with depression and do not feel the woe is me symptom, just angry with what happened. Often times when I start to feel "that way" I separate myself from what ever situation until I can get my emotions under control which is hard to do.! I try to reflect on the good things in life such as I am alive, and pray a lot! Don't mean to offend you if you are not religious! Hang in there and take each situation in stride. If you have not already, try and talk with a professional soon! I had to think about those things that used to make me really happy. For me it happened to be swimming. So after a 20 year break I started swimming 2 months ago and gave me back a part of myself that was missing. I truly wish you the best!
Heidi