Pacemaker v marriage

I think my recent brush with death and having my ICD implanted is ultimately going to cost me my marriage.
I am on my own (3 weeks post surgery) all day every day as my husband and daughter work full time and of course do all my friends. My friends have been a constant source if support to me visiting regularly but said husband and daughter want restrictions on visiting. My friends and relations constantly phone me when they get home from work but again restrictions are being talked about. My one source of comfort, my beloved iPhone, is now at risk as they say I'm spending too much time on that.

I feel like a prisoner; I can't take any more. My life has gone from being a busy PA in a busy hospital to restrictions on what I can and can't do. If I could walk I would. My friends feel the hostility when they enter my home.

I'm desperate and can't believe I've gone from a bubbly fun loving person to being completely housebound. They won't let me go out as 'it's too early in the healing process'.

Has anyone any ideas what I can do as I feel I'm spiralling into depression, and I don't want that on top of everything else I'm coping with at the moment.

I know my husband and daughter are terrified of what's happened but is this killing me with kindness?

Any suggestions would be gratefully received

love you all

8 Comments

Oh my

by Poppy - 2010-10-24 01:10:13

Hi kathy you're story is horrendous. I'm so so sorry. How on earth you managed to change diapers one handed is beyond me
you're obviously a lovely lovely person and you've had a hard life with your heart surgeries but hopefully now you're a stronger person and much much happier.
Stay well my lovely friend
poppy x

Hi!

by pacergirl - 2010-10-24 08:10:41

Hello Poppy, wow you do have a loving family. I'm not sure how I would handle this problem, but maybe this suggestion may help;

I would suggest speaking to your doctor and explain how you family is feeling and how it is impeding your progress of getting back to good health. Then I would do as much as possible to educate them on how many people live with pacemakers and ICDs everyday and do the most normal things ever like; Running daily, working, taking care of families, exercising, swimming, jumping.... and so on.

The proof is right here at the Pacemaker Club. We are for the most part very healthy people. We just come with our own battery operated hearts.

I myself had to not only educate my family, but had to educate myself on what I could do and what not to do. One thing I did ask my dr. and that was... Can I Sing? he laughed and asked me if I could sing before my pacemaker and I said no. The he really laughed and said.. "Susie if you couldn't before you still can't!" lol but that I can do everything now that I was able to do before. Just to stay away form working under the hood of my car while the engine is running and no welding.

So, I hope this will help you in some way. Keep your sense of humor and handle your family gently. They love you very much... they just need more information.

Pacergirl

It's hard...but you can do it

by wenditt - 2010-10-24 09:10:43

Hi sunshine,
We talk a lot on this post about how the PM fixed on thing but for some left other emotionally all "jacked up!"

You have just had the shock of a lifetime (no pun intended) and have emotionally and physically been to hell. Give yourself a chance to come to terms with what has happened to you. As pacergirl said-educate yourself on what you can and cannot do so that you are armed and ready for the outside world.

Then...when you can....get up and try. I second going to talk to someone. I did....two people actually....and they helped "bring me back." I thought I was gone forever. I still have my days where the fear gets the best of me....but then I come here, post...and someone helps.

You are as healthy today as you were the minute before you got the PM. You can do what you did the day before even after the PM. Your bubbly self is in there....you just have to find her again.

You can do it!

Thanks again

by Poppy - 2010-10-24 11:10:26

Bless you so so much. Thank God I found this site. I will go and talk to my GP about the overwhelming pressure at home thank you.
I love the comment we come with our own battery powered heart. That's wonderful.
I cannot believe how emotional I am! What a wreck.
You're wonderful and supportive and are my guardian angels. You make me feel normal which is something I haven't felt for 3 weeks.
Love you all
pops xx

uncaring husband is reason I am healthy

by kathykat11 - 2010-10-24 12:10:40

I had exactly the opposite situation, My husband wouldn't lift a finger for me if I didn't do it it wouldn't get done, My kids were young when my major problems started. They have grown up with me in and out of the hospital. I actually credit my husbands lack of help for me walking today, The doctors said I would be in a wheelchair, but wheelchairs are hard to dea with in navy housing. I had a strokeand the whole left side of my body was down and my husband walked off with the baby in a wet cloth diaper for me to cope with.... one handed diapering is hard but not impossible, you learn what you have to. the point o this is, put your foot down and tell your family if you want a cripple keep restricting me. If you don't use it you loose it. you sound like you have no intention of loosing yourself, don't let them hide you. It has been many years since my kids were babies but today I am a 58 y/o female, learning this PM stuff slowly but surely, whose adult children know I will ask if I need help. I can restrict myself I do not need any other adult to do it. Like I tell my girl friends they can't walk over you if you don't lay down. Stand up and take your life back.
Best of luck and stay strong
Kathy
P.S. the kids outlasted the husband who is in another state with his girlfriend. He has had a pacer defibrillator for a couple of years, He called to apologise for being a jerk after my many heart surgeries, saying that you had a 20 inch incision and expected everything and I have 7 stiches and am in agony. I shouldn't say this in case he is a member but the pacemaker hurt worse than the heart surgeries but both of them felt pretty decent after 3 weeks so it is no big deal.
K

he expected everything

by kathykat11 - 2010-10-24 12:10:48

Correction my husband said you had a 20 inch scar and I expected everything not waht I wrote above.
K

Hello

by SaraTB - 2010-10-25 05:10:43

Poppy, good to know you're healing up, but I can understand your frustration. One of the things I had to learn was how very scared my husband was, after my need for a PM. He was as bewildered as me, not really knowing anything about them, at that stage, and his sole goal was to protect me. He almost blamed himself that I'd got sick.
I'd be willing to bet that your husband and daughter are feeling the same way: terrified at how close they came to losing you, scared that something may still happen to you, and desperate to protect you as much as possible. It's a normal reaction from those who love us, yet they don't see that it can make us more distressed.

I set out to learn as much as I could about my PM, in order to reassure him, as much as myself. There are very good resources online, including the manufacturers' websites. My original PM was a Medtronic, and their site is very helpful, for example (although aimed at US patients, the information is still valid).

One thing I did realise was the importance of talking to each other: about my fears, my growing confidence, my determination to get back to normal. I needed to reassure him that I was fine: your doctor can help with that too. Is your husband able to come with you to your appointments? GP as well as the PM clinic?

Hang in there: I really do believe they are trying to protect you, and ensure you get the rest they think you need. If you are able to reassure them that you're not about to collapse in front of them, and that the ICD is the best safeguard you could possibly have, they may relax a bit!
And don't be afraid to come and 'vent' away a bit here!

never thought

by Binky - 2010-10-26 07:10:49

this has made me realize the effect the PM has on our families not just us.How selfish I feel thinking about this Now I realize why when my heart goes out of kilter why my hubby insist I call the doc. even though it makes me feel like a pain in the butt to be bothering him.
So glad for this site to open our eyes take care Poppy and everyone else I'm now in my 4th month of being paced. Getting easier to deal with. It does get better.
Binky

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I, too, am feeling tons better since my implant.