thanks for the support
My special thanks to all who cared enough to give me comments. That alone made it feel almost alright to what has happened to me. Kerry, Becky, bmom91 and all else who emailed me. Again, I am/was a pilot for my living and this was quite a shock to have happen to me especially since I have all my life been an avid exerciser and self proclaimed health nut. I have my masters in clinical nutrition so go figure. They tell me I a few weeks I can go back to all my exercise routines but my mind says "why" sure did not stop this from happening. I am sorry that I am in my mad upset faze and alone and it is so diffucult to put the pieces all together. Going to sleep at night is hard. You wonder if you are going to wake up. Oh god I am sounding like a total wimp. I have two baby Schnauzers and I guess I am afraid for them. Ok enough, I will stop my wimpering but once again thanks so much for your helpful comments. You all must be very loving people. 6454@live.com
BillyD
6 Comments
Pookie thanks, just thanks
by BillyD - 2010-10-20 01:10:50
This happening to me has made me remember that there are a lot of caring people in the world even if they do not know you personally. Pookie thanks so much......we shall be friends I am sure.........
6454@live.com
BillyD
Your Life Is Not Over
by SMITTY - 2010-10-20 03:10:32
Hello BillyD,
I saw your first message and didn't comment because I didn't know what to say and I may not know now. But you said something in your latest message that brought back a very vivid memory for me.
It was where you were talking about how you used to exercise but now your mind says "why." That made me think that you have reached a point in your life where you are making yourself miserable because you think what has happened to you was so uncalled for. That carried me back to 1982 when, at age 53, I had a heart attack followed by a quadruple bypass.
At the time I had what I called the best job in the world. I was enjoying international travel and on top of that people were paying me to give them advice on how to correct operating problems in their plant. It was truly an egotist's dream. I was on center stage about as often as I wanted to be, when all of a sudden I was shuffled to the side and became part of a supporting cast because I was damaged goods. My employer, out of concern for my well being, stopped my international travel and drastically reduced my domestic travel. In other words I was now spending most of my time in the office.
I knew I couldn't override a doctor's opinion of my health so I thought I would increase my exercise program to show just how physically fit I could be. I succeeded to a degree. Mainly Because of my physical appearance, and the fact no one could believe I had heart disease, I was allowed a little more travel and got to work on a few more of the physically demanding projects. But I never got back to doing the level of work I was doing before my heart disease made its presence known. I finally retired at age 65 in 1994.
Sure I could have said "why" just as you are contemplating doing, rolled over, played dead and taken early retirement and probably would have been dead long before now. But I didn't and when I got my first pacemaker in 2000 it was just another very small bump in the road and I was sidelined for about 2 days.
I see you as having one of two choices. Bury your head in your hands and say oh poor me. Or you can accept your problem as the little bump in the road it really is and get back to the life you were enjoying. So what if your heart does need a little help from a manmade device. If you wear glasses, or if you had to start wearing them, would you think that was the end of your world as you knew it, or could you accept a man made device to assist your vision.
As we travel down the road of life we will come across a few bumps. We can keep on going or we can pull over to the side of the road and say it's all over for me. You have the opportunity to keep on going because man has made the device that is helping your heart. A device that is much more durable and dependable than any airplane you have ever piloted.
Just try thinking about what would have happened if you had been around prior to 1950 and this had happened to you.
I wish you the best,
Smitty
Welcome Billy
by donb - 2010-10-20 05:10:32
Great to have you aboard. I also sent you an e-mail. Yes and Smitty, great to follow an informative welcome!!
donb
Exercise
by 6efrau - 2010-10-22 06:10:56
Hi. Today is my first day on this site and reading your post made me cry as it was comforting to realize someone out there knows exactly how I feel. I have lived a healthy lifestyle and feel it was for not as it makes no sense to me that I now have a pacemaker. My doctor says I can never go back to my exercise routine and I must now find a new one. I can never do another push-up or pull-up, I can never do another chest press or shoulder press. I can never lift anything over my head again. I am struggling daily to find an answer to the changes I must now face. Finding a new exercise routine seems pointless at times because I don't feel it made a difference when I think about the pacemaker, but then I find myself putting on my walking shoes and heading out for a 5 mile walk because I know deep down that maybe it would be worse if I hadn't been so healthy.
Welcome to the site, BillyD
by Meema417 - 2010-10-22 08:10:44
Hi. Between what Pookie, Smitty and donb have already said so eloquently; all I can do is add my wishes and prayers for you. I'm sure we all went through the fear/anger/resentment stages--I'm still hovering around in them because I'm 5 months into my new life with a pacemaker, and am now facing a heart cath. Hang in there and know that we all experience the fear--we're all human. If you need to, don't hesitate to tell your doctor about your anxiety and trouble sleeping. Xanax helps me to relax, to be able to draw a deep breath and to help me sleep. I used to feel like it was a moral short-fall on my part for needing it. I no longer judge myself as weak--that was some silly thing in my own mind. The wonderful people on this site have helped me more than I can ever put into words. I've often thought that if the nightly news would run stories about the beautiful, caring people on this site, and less about the bad people in this world; we would all sleep a lot easier at night! Continue to pamper yourself, get lots of fresh air and sunshine, eat properly, talk to your Schnauzers, read comforting books and listen to calming music. A relaxing shower and a fragranced candle is "my thing"--won't hurt for you to try to make it your "thing" either. ;-) Your comment about having your masters in clinical nutrition really spoke to what I've been feeling, too! I don't have a degree in nutrition, yet a recent post of mine (where I'm afraid I sounded like I was whining) talks about how hard I tried to eat healthfully, don't eat fast foods and I grow organic vegetables, don't drink or smoke...I knew exactly what you were feeling, just then. Hang in there, come back often and it will get better.
You know you're wired when...
You trust technology more than your heart.
Member Quotes
Focus on the good and not the bad.
BillyD....
by Pookie - 2010-10-20 01:10:49
If I wasn't one of the members who responded, I'm sorry I missed your post.
Having a bunch of emotions after receiving a pacemaker or defib is very very very normal. You will go thru anger, stress, anxiety, "why me", "how did this happen", "I'm too young for this." we all go thru it. well, most of us.
Going to sleep for me was hard too. Not the sleeping part, that was difficult enough, but I was SO stressed and scared and a basket case that I cried every night before I went to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up - then I'd cry each morning that I didn't die while asleep.
However, it takes time. And sometimes it takes help from family, friends, coming here!!! and sometimes we have to reach further and ask for professional help. Many of us have done that too. Some of us have gotten a little help from our family doctors too, just to get us over the intial shock, by getting a mild anti-stress drug like Ativan or Xanax.
The main thing is not to bottle your emotions up, get them out. Educate yourself on your pacemaker and your heart.
And please don't think you're a whimp, you are NOT.
You have just gone through a life changing event but with time I can promise you things will get better. Just take each day as it comes. Keep your mind occupied and for gawd's sake, don't give up your exercising, that is a great stress reliever and good for your heart too...but discuss what you are allowed to do with your doctor before getting back into it.
We're here to support you, don't hesitate to vent your feelings on here. We all did!!!!!!!!!!!
There will come a day that you won't even remember you have a pacemaker.
Take care,
Pookie