35 yr old mother of 3

• by stefanyscovell75
• 2010-10-22 09:10:41
• Coping
• 1464 views
• 3 comments

It all began in 2005. I blacked out while standing in my kitchen. A few months later, my mother passed away and since then, I have been sick. A few months after my mother died, I began having seizures and blacking out. Several MRI's and CT Scans later, I was told that I had MS. After subsequent MRI's 6 mos later, I was told that I didn't have MS.

Doctor after Doctor and no diagnosis. Years of depression, continuing loss of motor skills and other problems, led me to near suicide. Doctors claimed that I was psychotic, that there was nothing wrong with me, it was all in my head. I knew how I felt, I knew something was wrong, but NO ONE would believe me!

In 2009, my gallbladder was removed after it suddenly died. For no reason, no stones, just died. My liver was severly enlarged and my gait worsening by the minute. Finally, a cardiologist took me seriously. He ordered several tests and a holter monitor for 30 days. Thank GOD. During week 2 of the monitoring, I was diagnosed with Phase 3 Heart Block or AV.

I was shocked and terrified. I knew that I was dying. I told all those stupid doctors, I was right. Though vindicated, I felt alone, old and unattractive to my husband. I was awake in the CATH lab, feeling everything the doc was doing as he shoved leads into my heart, and wondering, why? Why me?

My mother and all of her relatives, including my brother, have all died suddenly due to heart disease or failure. I was told that I would have died within 6 months to a year had I not had the Pacemaker implanted. Today, it is doing 67% of what the right atria should be doing and is projected to last between 5 and 8 years. I am paced at 50 beats and feel the 'butterfly in the heart' thing quite regularly.

I am constantly monitored, as I have been told that I could still go into cardia arrest or complete heart block (where the heart just sits there) at any time. I thank GOD for my family. Had it not been for them, I would have committed suicide years ago.

It's not easy having a pacemaker, but, trust me, it is way better than the alternative. I am in pain, still have and always will have numbness where the scar is, speaking of which, the scar is ugly and will never go away. I can feel the pacemaker under the skin, and when I get to close to certain magnetic things, I can feel the pacemaker flutter. Going to the airport is now my least favorite thing. When you go to the airport, you have to be hand searched or frisked.

If you just got a pacemaker, remember, while it is there forever, you can lead a normal life. You will soon be able to think about living again, not wondering what is wrong with you. You will eventually feel better. Give yourself time to heal, give yourself time to recover. Do EVERYTHING the doctor tells you and don't be afraid to ask questions.