worried!

Hi everyone!
I do not have a PM, but my husband of 15 years does now, as of Nov 2010.
It has been stressful for him, and me of course watching him go through all this at the young age of 45. I want so badly to say the right thing, and ease his anxieties about having it. He felt great right after the implant, but then it all changed. We don't know if he is having anxiety, or why he feels a "flutter" almost always. It freaks him out, and me too! I just want so badly for him to feel good again. The Dr. did an echo, and said everything is fine. Any advice?

9 Comments

Normal-Yes, Overtime No

by PadWC2 - 2011-03-06 06:03:14

Just after the implant you feel great, but you need to work on the settings. If anything is clear to me the smallest changes in setting make all the difference. Talk t the Nurse Practicioner who does the monitoring of his pacemeker about trying different settings. The cardiologist has a good idea but it is really not his line of work. I have found the PA's really know their stuff.

Your husband will soom lean the flutters are nothing a pacemake can't handle. Yes you do become in some sense a mechanical dependent person. So waht it works.

Worried

by donr - 2011-03-06 08:03:16

I'll tell you something that a wise counselor told Wife & me when we were worried about #2 teenaged son. She asked us what we wanted for him & we went through it all. Then she says: "You cannot want something for someone else!" Now there was cold water splashed on us. We then discussed the concept & she was correct. You cannot want something for someone else. You can support them in their wants - moral support is what we call it. They are going to want what they want in the end.

Stress is: a) self fullfilling - it feeds on itself, & b) infective. You can pass it to your spouse. If you are stressed out & worried all the time, he senses that & plays off you, becoming even more stressed as a result. It leaves him no shelter in a storm.

So, I would say to you - do as my Wife has for nearly 40 yrs of supporting me - don't get all whacked out of shape yourself. Be a stable, dependable, LISTENING - I say again - LISTENING - spouse. Don't nag. AND ESPECIALLY NEVER say "You shouldn't feel that way." OR the variant "You have no reason to feel that way." That drives the real sufferer absolutely bonkers. Drashmore is completely correct - men are a PITA when it comes to getting them to open up about their ills. Especially when it comes to doing so in front of the Dr. Do you go with him to his appts? You should. He is not the only one affected. This affects YOU, also. You are not as muddled in the head right now, so you can help him discuss the things he needs to w/ the Dr. Done in an un-nagging way, he will truly appreciate your support.

Please don't argue w/ him over whether or not he has this or that problem. If he is truly suffering stress, he needs someone to patiently listen to his memory dump as to what discourages him. Even if he has problems that are rooted in the mind, they are REAL! If you listen to them & poo-poo them, he'll clam up; learn to just nod & grunt. at least it's a response that tells him you are listening.

There are no magic words you can use to fix things all up - that's wanting something for someone else. Speak w/ your ears!

Don

Worried

by drashmore - 2011-03-06 08:03:41

You can talk and sympatize all you want but he has to be the one to get it straight in his head. Listen and don't every discount anything he is feeling or saying. My family tries but it's not the same as a spouse. I lost mine 9 years ago tomorrow and really miss him during this issue. Tell him to talk about everything with his doctors. Men have a tendency of not doing that, thinking they are whining.

It will get better, just not the same. I was told to think of mine as a back up generator. My family doctor told me to give it 6 months. I'm trying to be patient but it's hard.

Keep it up...

by Skyking - 2011-03-07 06:03:39

Keep comforting your man, hes scared, and has NO IDEA whats coming next and that terrifies him. In his mind, you are ALL that he's got, and that might be the case, so keep being the wonderful spouse you are for him and you'll get thru this somehow.....trust and solid relationships are made this way.......even 15 yrs later

Youre a good wife

by Skyking - 2011-03-07 06:03:55

My wife, raised in a midwestern household with her football playing brothers and father, she tells me to quit "whining" and to "rub some dirt on it man and quit bitchin"....


Yeah, she's like my Dad, they "talk" a good game but run like rabbits at the first hint of blood or pain......I generally dismiss it for their fear of the situation and their supposed toughness.

You're very supportive!

by SaraTB - 2011-03-07 07:03:46

Firstly, I agree with PadWC2, who said to discuss the settings with your nurse practitioner, or whoever does the settings. It took over 6 months, and many visits to mine before it was completely set up to our mutual satisfaction, and it may be that a setting needs adjustment. And it may take more than one visit.

Secondly, while we all want to be brave when stuff like this happens, I always think it's very hard on the spouse who has to watch and be supportive, without really knowing what the PM user is feeling, so I commend you for wanting to be supportive, and coming to this website to ask questions: we've all been through those scary times and you'll find everyone here to be patient with questions.

Thirdly, and I trust no-one will sniff at my saying this, sometimes I think it's particularly hard on some men: those who've been brought up to feel they have to be strong, and the provider in the family: suddenly learning that there's a problem can make them feel very under-mined, and really doubt themselves, fearing they have lost their role. So, it doesn't hurt to offer reassurance that all is well on that front, too.

I hope you consider asking to have the PM settings reviewed again. Maybe he should ask for an event monitor for a few days, to record the symptoms when they happen. And whatever you decide, keep posting here, and letting us know how things are.

Get him on this

by Sue H. - 2011-03-07 10:03:09

website. Have him sign up and get on here and read some of the posts himself. The people on here are so helpful and he'll see for himself that the symptoms, feelings he's having are all part of the normal healing process. Anxiety is a big problem for a lot of people that get pacemakers and of course the more you worry the worse it gets. But as much as you try and are a loving caring wife, this is his journey and I think reading some of the helpful posts on here will help him with that journey. It did me!

Rest of your life

by 082343 - 2011-03-07 12:03:58

I agree with Don....When I feel any sensation I've learn to think everything is working.......other wise I may not be here....Technology today is so outstanding, but we have learn to be thankful for what it is doing.....I know it's hard but relax......enjoy tomorrow...

thanks!

by lukesmom@sbcglobal.net - 2011-03-10 12:03:15

Thankyou very much for your advice, And encouraging words! I will always support him. We will get through this! He doesn't see doc again until may, but i will encourage him to have settings checked again before that.
Thanks again. Wonderful website!

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The pacer systems are really very reliable. The main problem is the incompetent programming of them. If yours is working well for you, get on with life and enjoy it. You probably are more at risk of problems with a valve job than the pacer.