Please help!

• by narcagba85
• 2011-03-08 06:03:24
• Coping
• 1364 views
• 4 comments

Hi there, My name is Junior. I'm 25 years old. I was born with holes in my heart and valves all mixed up. I had my open heart surgery when I was 10 and had lived a pretty normal life until the unexpected happened. April 5, 2010, on a monday morning I woke up completely feeling normal, drove to work fine and did my usual routine saying hello to my co workers in the call center. As I sat down waiting for my computer to boot itself, I started feeling lightheaded. I informed my co worker next to me and I just collapsed on top of her. I was not aware of what was going on. It was the first time I've experienced something like this and I was not aware of what was happening to me. I felt the room spinning, cold, numb, sweaty and shaking. First thing that came to mind was I was going to die. Then I started asking myself why this was happening then it all hit me. I tried to live a normal life, doing things a "normal" person would do. Hanging out with friends, running around, doing teenager stuff and eventually led to my first cigarette, my first shot of alcohol. Its not that I wanted to fit in, It was because I felt insecure. I didn't want to be known as the kid with the heart problem. I wanted to play sports, ride rollercoasters, exercise/ work out. I wanted to feel as normal as possible with no limitations. I don't regret trying to live a normal life, It made me very happy, but I do regret my first cigarette and drinking alcohol. I should have known better, that people like me are band from all those and now here I'am scared every day. When I got to the hospital, the Dr said I was very lucky to be admitted because my heart rate was down to 30 and eventually stopped, I dont remember how long it stopped for, but he said I could have died if not admitted on time. I layed there as I broke down crying trying to call all my friends on my phone, going down the list alphabetically. My mom and sister finally arrived at the hospital and we all just cried thanking god I was still alive. The Dr had informed us that a pacemaker was my only option and it had to be done ASAP. My pacemaker was implanted the next morning, April 6, 2010. It was very hard to accept, to cope with. I spent a month bed ridden. I couldn't do anything, could not eat, I just felt helpless and unworthy. I prayed crying asking why this is was happening to me. I kept telling myself to get up and see some sunlight, breathe some fresh air, take a nice bath or shower. Eventually I got myself out and tried to get my life back without the smoking and drinking of course. I'm free from those since the pacemaker was put in. Tho, lately I have been feeling lightheaded, alot actually and passing out. I have been in and out of the hospital. I've passed out 3 times this year (2011) 2 and half months. I' m back to being scared, I feel insecure again about my health, I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't concentrate on the important things in my life. Theres so much things going through my head. I'm having such a hard time accepting what could happen. I've been eating healthy, heart healthy food as advised by the Dr. I just wanted to know what I can do to better my life and not feel so fragile, vulnerable, paranoid, and panicky. I'm always expecting when I'm going to pass out next, at times I even expect the worst. I don't know how to handle all these unexpected events. Emotionally, I'am so drained. Its been almost a year since I've had my pacemaker and this is this the first time I'm seeking help. A very special person found this website and advised me to join. He said this it would be great for me, to interact with others like me so I don't feel alone. He has been there for me along the way for the past 9 months. He has helped me tremendously keeping myself sane, smiling everyday, motivating me to be strong and just simply being there. Thank you and I love you very much! Recently, on feb 15, 2011 I passed out at work and was rushed to the hospital. The Dr had said that my heart is weak and that I'm not getting enough blood flow through my brain which will cause me to pass out. Therefore, I'm more restricted to alot of things more than I already am, no exerting myself. When I start feeling weird, I just want to be in bed and go to sleep. I feel safe that way, but at the same time, I dont want to always be scared. I need other ways to overcome my fears. I'm ready to get my life back again and live as normal as possible without being paranoid of tomorrow. Please help!