Just Little humor (I hope),

A little humor for a serious subject that Michael Moore thinks he just brought to our attention.

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase , "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO . How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country and the third grade.

Q.Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand . I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem . Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Now for some questions and answers to help you put off needing an HMO.


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is : No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Thanks Smitty....

by queen_beez - 2007-07-10 01:07:52

I really needed that today. I had a problem with my insurance being canceled, ( I didn't know it until I went to pick up my RXs) .It was a mistake but it was on Friday and my pharmacy is a Monday thru Friday small one and I could do nothing. They were wonderful giving me all but my pain meds. Not fun as I was in the Arizona desert in the summer in the parking lot trying to figure it out before the pharmacy closed and those in charge of my insurance went home for the weekend. They are telling me my insurance will be canceled at the end of the month though I am on disability. Our illnesses take so much out of us and then we must use the little enrgy we have to "fight" to get what is supposed to be a given. I reall y laughed and you know what Smitty that was the best medicine I have had in a long time.

Oh the joy...........

by swilson10 - 2007-07-10 02:07:38

So Smitty some of your jokes really did make me laugh, b/c after all with the seriousness of this issue around health insurance and heart disease there seems to be little else to do most days. I did see this film last week and I am thinking France seems like a good option for a young lady who may want to quit her day job and go in to business for herself. I hate that I am trapped by health insurance and the fear that if I ever leave my HMO/ job I will not be able to get adequate care and coverage.

Leave it to Smitty!

by auntiesamm - 2007-07-10 04:07:04

Hi Smitty - Just signed on for the first time in a couple of days and sure do appreciate your posting. A good laugh is a great way to get a mid-day pickup - 12:25 pm here in SO CAL. This is just the best and I am going to copy and paste and send to all my friends! Thank you my friend.


by CathrynB - 2007-07-10 11:07:00

Thanks for sharing this one Smitty! I was laughing so hard my husband asked what on earth I was reading, and I even read this one aloud to him. It's too bad some of it hits so close to Truth, but thanks for the humor. Cathryn

Thanks for the laughs

by pacergirl - 2007-07-10 11:07:21

Hello Smitty,
Thank you for the laughs. I have just spent an hour on the phone discussing a medical bill. Seems the DR. office sent the wrong "codes" to my insurance and now would like for me to pay the bill. Are they out of their minds? he he I have been in billing H_ _ _ for the last few weeks. Their mistake and now my time and money. Thank you for reminding me how funny/sad it all can be.
Pacergirl ;-) Still trying to laugh about it all.

Funny and Sad at Once

by kubie1955 - 2007-07-15 11:07:59

Smitty, I am in insurance hell right now battling the preexisting condition clause. Obviously having a pacemaker for four years prior to getting on this plan means my condition already existed. But, I can't even get a simple check up without having to pay for it. But enough about me - thanks for the laughs. I needed them today. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

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