I hate it
I have brugada syndrome and had an icd implanted when I was 15 as a preventative measure. I'm 22 now and it's made me miserable every day since. When I was a kid all I ever wanted to do was fly for the air force, it was my single driving passion and it consumed me. Later on my opinion on the military changed and I wanted no part in it but I still wanted to fly.
Obviously the military was out of the question and that was hard to cope with for a few years but what crushed me was not being able to fly at all. Fast forward a few years to freshman year of college and I got very depressed, partially because I felt like my dreams got crushed. I got too depressed to go to class and dropped out even though I had been doing well. A few years later the depression got so bad I tried to kill myself twice in 2016.
I'm feeling better now but this still eats away at me. Approaching half my life with this thing in me and I've never once needed it, and I might never need it at all. I feel like if I had a choice I would have said no. I felt that then as well as now. I've faced death and I'm at peace with it, I would rather live uninhibited and risk a chance early death than live to be 100 miserable because i never got the chance to pursue my dreams. Even my mother who has the same condition couldn't relate to why I hate it so much and her device almost killed her for no reason!
Does anyone feel the same? How do you deal with it? I'm terrified of the day this drives me to suicide again, I don't want that. It just feels unfair.
5 Comments
We're all dealt a different hand.......
by islandgirl - 2018-05-05 16:19:49
Even if you didn't have an ICD, would you be able to fly with brugada syndrome?
Feel fortunate you were diagnosed and you are protected. I had a sudden cardiac arrest for no known reason in 2016. I should not have survived but for some reason I was at the right place at the right time for a bystander to perform CPR (over 30 minutes and I just found out it was all video recorded from a security camera my EP now possesses). I received an ICD. This event has changed my life. I can't let my health determine my life. I can't do the things I used to do. They don't know why I continue to have arrhythmias, have cardiomyopathy, and heart failure. I can't SCUBA dive, I can't drive fire trucks or rescue vehicles---I had volunteered for 25 years. I have trouble with my job as a biologist/private consultant. I continue to travel, I continue to work and am needing to pursue another career. I got divorced after 25 years of marriage and 30 years together because of my heart issues---caused my x to look at his fate in his mid life).
I travel the world--am leaving in a couple of weeks to go to Morocco. I still work as a biologist. I will go back to volunteering at the local fire station, but will not drive vehicles or fight fires any more. I gave up my EMT license, but will still help.
You are in control of your life. Try different things. Can you get your private pilot's license? Go back to school. Make sure you investigate other professions that may interest you. You are so young.......and so many opportunities. I wanted to fly, and now glad I didn't, as I would have had to stop flying with electrical problems in my heart.
Feel fortunate you have not needed the ICD, and read aobut the many people that have had cardiac events and CPR are not able to function. The ICD is an insurance policy for your life. You're given a chance and make the best of your life.
Life if difficult, no matter what your age or if you have a health issue or not.
moving on
by Tracey_E - 2018-05-05 17:39:04
It's great that it hasn't fired. The problem with not having it is if you need it, you can die. That's why it's there, to save your life.
I'm sorry that you can't fly. What about a related field? Think outside the box.
Are you getting counseling? Suicidal thoughts, even the remote consideration of them, warrants getting help. It's possible to have a full, healthy life with a device. It's ok if you need some help getting to the point where you see the joy in life again. Please, please, please get some help.
Brugada syndrome
by LondonAndy - 2018-05-06 14:28:30
I feel your frustration at not being able to do what you want. But a quick Google soon finds that even if you didn't have the pacemaker you would not be allowed to fly. And of course without a pacemaker it would be even more risky if you had a "life-threatening arrhythmia" whilst at the controls. It is not your fault you have the condition, but you are focusing on the wrong thing, and it is having a serious effect on your mental health.
There is no point bashing your head on a brick wall (so to speak) at something that is not going to change. You have to accept it and deal with it. Easier said than done, and sorry, I don't know the answer. As TraceyE says, it might be a good idea to get some help to get past this and enjoy your life.
Beleive me its there to help you.
by davey - 2018-05-11 07:52:16
It is a shame about your ambitions and you cant acheive them, ive had counselling for my conditions NOT, by that i mean i have discovered that i had it fitted many moons ago for something i have not got, symptoms i never had, i cant go into too much detail as i have had lawyers involved.
Its been a difficult road for me, knowing i have nothing, but pacemaker is still in there due to come out soon.
I will say this, as undaunting as it may seem when it was first fitted i came to accept it, one has to, my motto was " it works for me, not me for it ", obviously my mood and anxiety state changed when i discovered i never needed it in the first place. i adjusted my life to the pacemaker, and it will be the same once it comes out, i stood up to my injustice and i know it will help others, Yes my life changed but its not the end, its what we make it..
Be positive.
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Microwave ovens make you spark.
Member Quotes
I live an extremely normal life now and my device does NOT hinder me in any way.
Pacemakers don't cripple people. Attitude does.
by Gotrhythm - 2018-05-05 14:05:09
Abraham Lincoln said, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
So you can't follow your dream of flying a place. There are other forms of flying. Have you tried hang gliding? Have you tried base jumping with those wing-suit things? Have you tried anything that might satisfy some of what flying means to you?
You're not the first person in the world who has been denied their dreams because of a physical limitation. Start looking and you will find many, many stories of people with paraplegia and quadraplegia, who were far more limited in what they could do than you are, and who have made happy, successful lives--because they decided they would not let what they couldn't do define them.
Study their stories. Some when they realized all they had lost considered suicide, but decided to live instead. Figure out how they did it. Get on with your life.