Depression
Hello everyone, this is my first post. I got my PM 10/01/2018 so today makes my 1 week. I am 31 years old. I was diagnosed with symptomatic bradycardia and it seemed like everything moved so fast. A few months ago I was enjoying my summer and all of a sudden I was passing out in the e.r. Adjusting and accepting this new life has been hard for me and it just barely started. I do some modeling, I'm used to getting overdressed and doing things with my friends and now I just feel ugly. Everytime I looked down at the bandages, I cry. My pain medication has been breaking me out bad and I'm still in a bit of pain. I had a rough surgery my artery was hiding under the bone due to scar tissue from a previous central line in 2007. Alot of numbing medicine was used during placement but unfortunately I felt alot of pain because you cannot numb the bone. I feel weird new sensations and pains daily and i dont know what else to do but cry. I'm not sure if there is actually a problem or if my body is getting used to the PM. It's only been a week, I realize that. I'm just so unsure. I dont want to talk to my friends, dont want to see them. I am a mother of three precious and amazing children 13, 11, 9 and I hate for them to see me like this. I try not to cry around them because this whole experience has been rough for them. If anyone can offer any coping mechanisms or some type of advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you
7 Comments
healing
by Tracey_E - 2018-10-08 11:37:12
First of all, cut yourself some slack. It's only been a week.It's ok to be sad, frustrated, angry, to mourn.
That said, put on a happy face for your kids. They can know you take it seriously but don't let them see the worry or the fear. They will follow our lead so they need to see us strong and optimistic.
How it looks now is NOTHING like how it will look when it heals. It will settle in and get more flat. The scar will flatten and fade. I posted a picture of myself in a tank top in the gallery, bet you can't find my scar. Keep it hydrated with a good natural lotion (vitamin e, coconut oil, cocoa butter) once it's fully closed and keep it out of the sun for the first year. After that it should blend in and be barely noticeable.
Hang in there, you are past the worst and it will only get better from here. Don't tell yourself this is the end of life as you know it because it's just not true. Don't tell yourself you're ugly because you're still the same person you were last month. Attitude counts, it's proven that a positive attitude means faster healing. Believe it or not, the day will come when you barely give it a thought. Have faith that this is temporary. Because it is.
It takes time
by Grateful Heart - 2018-10-08 12:31:17
You had a rough surgery and it was only 1 week ago.
I've said this many times here but it's true....learn all you can about your condition and device to ease your mind and then you can educate your family and friends. They are worried about you. Grieving for a while is normal....feeling like our heart has failed us out of the blue.
It takes time to accept that you need a PM. Learn to embrace it and appreciate it. We are very lucky to live in these times when there is help for our hearts. My sons were in their teens when I got my first device 10 years ago. The way I explained it to them....some people need eye glasses to help their eye sight. Some need a hearing aid to help with hearing and some need a PM/ ICD to help their hearts.
So talk about it and learn about it. Make friends with it. Your scar will get better. Before you know it, you will learn to joke about it. Laughter is the best medicine! You will get there.
It beats the alternative.
Grateful Heart
Read....
by donr - 2018-10-08 14:43:29
........the next post. Then follow all the advice of the responders here..
Donr
Had my pacemaker checkup today, and tech asked if I was sure it was on the left!
by LondonAndy - 2018-10-08 18:12:42
I won't repeat all of the above, which is great advice. Tracey_E has suggested some creams, in my case I used Bio Oil daily, once the wound itself had healed and it was safe to do so. Admittedly I had to apply it daily (well, almost ....) for months, but it slowly just disappeared and even today's pacemaker technician was surprised not to find it.
Thankful
by Shan - 2018-10-08 22:48:01
You all are so amazing and I'm so thankful for your responses. These are exactly all of the things I needed to hear. It's so much better to receive advice from someone who has actually been through it rather than just asking anyone that is around. Today I drove my kids to school and it felt great! I didnt feel well, didnt want to get out of bed but reading alot of these stories are very inspiring. One day at a time and I may even go visit a counselor to help with some of my depression and anxiety. Thank you Thank you and Thank you some more for your comments my spirit feels better.
Progress
by dback - 2018-10-09 22:49:56
One thing that helped me with my recovery was looking at my progress week over week and not day over day.
You are better today than you were this day last week and you will be even better next week. Much easier to measure progress that way. Good luck.
You know you're wired when...
You have an excuse for being a couch potato.
Member Quotes
I can honestly say that I am feeling absolutely amazing!
It's hard at first.
by Theknotguy - 2018-10-08 07:59:02
It's hard at first. It's overwhelming. For the doctors and nurses it's standard, no big deal. For relatives, they have to fill in the blank spaces until you get back on your feet. Friends have agendas, so they're busy. And you are in the middle of the mess wondering if your life will ever get back to normal. Then, of course, your brain is going at 120 miles per hour and as soon as one thought appears, another pops in its place. Welcome to the wonderful world of heart problems. Welcome to the club you didn't want to join.
Does it ever slow down? The answer is yes. But it depends upon each individual. For some we need a little different help from others. But more of that later.
There I was walking down the trail with the two dogs. A wonderful fall day. Couldn't be any better. Moved 2000 pounds of wood on Thursday, hiked 3.5 miles with the dogs. Talked with my doctor last week. He said I was doing everything I could, make no changes. Turned the corner to go on the exit trail. Everything went black. Next thing I knew the nurse was shaking my arm. It was six days later - of which I had little knowledge. And my world ended at my fingertips. They had done CPR. Broke all the ribs on my right side, broke a lot of ribs on my left side. Pain was off the chart. I went from being totally capable - a man's man - to being totally helpless. Couldn't even turn over in bed. I'm a fairly private person but it seemed in the hospital everyone needed to look at something so they'd just walk in from the floor, yank sheets and hospital clothing off and do what they needed to do. No privacy or, at least very little. So, yeah, I can understand what you're feeling.
Crying is fine. You just took an enormous jolt to that part of the brain. Pain killers, if needed, are OK. So what to do? First, spend about five minutes and have the pity party. It's good to get it out of your system. Then, get on with your life.
Next thing is to make two marks on the calendar. One is a year from now, the second is two years from now. Start your rehab. If you have any setbacks you look at the calendar, say, "It hasn't been a year yet.", shrug and go on. After the first year, if you have a setback, you look at the calendar, say, "It hasn't been two years yet.", shrug and go on.
The next thing you do is to concentrate on one day at a time. Just concentrate in getting through the day. Don't worry about what it will be a week, month, six months, or a year from now. You can't always do anything about it anyway. The worry just wears you down and you accomplish nothing.
I made an appointment with a psychologist who specialized in trauma and heart problems. (Yes, there are such people.) You don't have to make an appointment with a psychologist if you don't want to, but there are people out there who can help. Your EP/Cardiologist's office should know of such people and can help get you in touch. If the doctor's office doesn't, the hosptal should. And if they don't, there is the Internet. Have a few sessions with the psych type people. It will really help. If you run into people who don't like the fact you have a pacemaker, it's their problem and not yours.
Watch your kids. They live in the here and now. Something I had to learn from the dogs. It's really hard to be depressed when the kids are doing something funny (or in my case, the dogs doing something funny) and you can't stop yourself from laughing. Look at life through their eyes. Yeah, there are problems out there and we will have to deal with them but it's an amazing world when you look at it through their eyes. It all helps. Besides, they need you and it's good to be needed.
I can go on but these ideas can get you started. It's a big world out there and there is a lot of living to do. With the pacemaker you can do it.
Oh, and thanks for the jolt. It's been five years for me this week. I had forgotten some of the initial trauma and your note helped bring everything into perspective. Hang in there. It does get better.