My one year anniversary. Struggling with Depression.
I have not been back here since about four or five weeks after surgery. I was so determined to 'bounce back' - and let's face it, the medical fraternity (is it still a 'fraternity') don't exactly counsel you on what you have been through they just process you on the assembly line and usher you out the door with a 'you'll feel better than ever'...
And, tbh i feel no different. I was not 'sick' before my first cyncope. I just nearly fainted on the way to work one day and then fainted a few hours later at work. And again, three more times in emergency. And then...went 48 hours waiting for my pacemaker implant...with no real contact with anyone beyond "this is what happened, and this is what we are going to do to you.".
I have bradycardia, apparently. It's congenital, apparently. And now I'm 'good as new' apparently.
But...geeze louise, bouncing back is good in one respect (I know I did it mainly to stop my loved ones from worrying) but now, I find myself applying for travel insurance and finding it doubles because of the pacemaker. So does life insurance. APPARENTLY I'M SICK??? Apparently I'm a risk? Why didn't someone tell me? I was told it was common and that I was fine.
I do think I am fine, but the whole 'mortality thing' really plays on me now. I'm 57. Two marriages (both long term) done and dusted. My kids are grown. I have so many things on my bucket list but also have to think of my financial future cos I'm single. And..well...I'm scared.
I don't admit this to anyone, lest I make them scared. And there's nothing worse than people fussing over you. Mind you, if I was loved up right now with someone who was kind and good and caring, I guess I wouldn't mind a LITTLE fuss made.
Strong. For all my life.
And now I'm having a depressive episode. My one year anniversary is on March 15. So I'm here. Hoping someone will read this and relate. Or say "I was there but then I snapped out of it and you will too" Or someone just wants to chat. That would be groovy.