Please forgive my venting

Hey everyone,
Since finding this site I have asked alot of questions and have received wonderful feedback from so many. Thanks to all of you.I read so often how so many get very depressed after getting there pm. I was one of the lucky ones and never went thru that. Now comes the venting if you want to call it that. Sorry in advance. I am so unbelievably depressed and filled to the brim with anxiety. It has been building up and now I am close to exploding. I have been to my doc but only gave him partial truths. I haven't been sleeping thru the night, wake up all night long then have to go to work. Today I had a small breakdown at work and one of my co-workers had her wonderful husband bring me some xanax.While I was waiting for him I just left for an hour. When I came back & before the xanax I just felt numb and mechanical.
My mind set of late has been to hell with everything. My pm is fine so why do the phone check, why go to the clinic. I have actually been contemplating not doing either nor see my EP doc. I know this is irrational. I am going to call my primary doctor tomorrow and get in to see him, only this time I will be honest.
This is driving me crazy. I have never been like this before. I just had a glass of wine which mixes rather well with the xanax I might add. Has any of you ever been like this? It is a very horrible and lonely place to be.
Thanks for everything guys
Mona

6 Comments

See Dat Doctor

by SMITTY - 2009-07-12 10:07:10

Hello Jessame

By all means call your doctor ASAP. It is not uncommon for many of us to want to say "to hell with it all" once in a while. But if we want to continue to have the best quality of life that is available to us, we really need to suppress those feelings and see our Dr. as scheduled. I would encourage you to tell your doctor exactly how you feel and then listen closely as you are told what you can or cannot not do.

It is possible a different schedule for PM checkups is possible. I know I have seen people say here that they have checkups every month, every two months, every four months, every six months and every year. Then I saw one say they had never had a checkup on their's and had none scheduled. I think frequency of checkups is determined by need of the patient and the doctor. After all the equipment has to be paid for by someone.

I know that is being cynical, but from what I see from time to time I'm convinced that pacemakers are cash cows for some doctors or hospitals.

But back to you, see your doctor, we don't want you to disappear from our group just because you decided to hell with it all.

Good luck to you,

Smitty

PANIC

by pete - 2009-07-13 02:07:24

You have been through a lot of problems recently. I think you you should take a very quiet relaxing holiday where you just rest and do next to nothing. Alternatively you could try meditation classes or possibly acupunture to relieve your anxiety and stress. Having a pacemaker affects us all differently. I have a friend who only needed a stent and no other heart treatment. He mentally went into a incredible downward spiral which I found very hard to understand. But there you are we are all different. Just as well as the world would be a boring place otherwise. Cheers Peter

Vent away!!

by Hot Heart - 2009-07-13 02:07:40

Hi Mona, thats what a lot of us are here for either to vent or to support those who feel the need to.

I felt absolutely dreadful a few months back, like life wasnt worth living, so depressed, and I think shocked that I needed a pacemaker. I felt for a time as if my life had fallen apart, so I can really empathise with the way that you are feeling. I almost went into self destruct, eating everything in sight and putting weight on, and started drinking alcohol, after a break of 7 years. And all of this was even though I had the support of a caring loving family and friends.

So dont be afraid to tell the doc how you are feeling, I laid awake night after night and was shattered in the day, just how you are feeling now, and I had a couple of panic attacks.

All that you say is perfectly normal feelings and I'm sure in time that things will settle down for you. I have a glass of red wine every night now before bed.

Hope you soon feel better



So sorry!

by sputnick - 2009-07-13 05:07:05

Your posting could have been written by me about 15 years ago,especially the numb and mechanical feeling. It was about 12 months on from the worst couple years of my life with lots of family deaths in a short space of time and other stresses. Funnily enough, I managrd to cope really well with everything at the time but it all seemed to hit me when averything had calmed down . Maybe that is what has happened with you.
You have had a lot of changes and things to deal with inthe last 2 years or so and it has all come to a head. You Do need to be completely honest with your doctor about how you feel or he can't help you feel better. I know that I was helped by taking anti-depressents for a period of 4 months and having counsellig for a while. Are you able to take some time off work sick and just spoil yourself, is there anyone such as a good friend or relative you can spend time with who you feel will support you?
I hope you start feeling a little bit better soon, you will come through this, we are all here to give you all the support and encouragement you need!
All best wishes Jan

Dont focus on the pacemaker focus on what you can do now with it!

by Narelle - 2009-07-13 06:07:02

Hi Mona,
Havent been on this site for an age. Im nearing my 50th birthday and have had pacemakers - so many Ive lost count since I was 15 years old...

Can I give you a little advise, I still party like there is no tomorrow, drink and smoke and do all the wrong things but this pacemaker of mine just keeps going and Im so grateful to have it otherwise I wouldnt be here now with my beautiful children, husband and a very successful career.

What you need to do is forget about the pacemaker and just let it get on and do its job. I have people around me say Narelle you have a pacemaker you can;t do that, oh really I say I can do anything if I set my mind to it.

The thing that I take comfort in is having a private doctor, who organises private pacemaker checks, someone I can trust. I usually have the same pacemaker technician who runs the diagnostics and if we get a new one occaisionally and I dont feel they know what their doing they dont come back again. One of my first technicians is now one of the Director's for Medtronics Australia and he even came to personally supervise my last pacemaker implant at my request. Develope rapport and ongoing support and you will feel so much more secure with your new lease on life.

Im always honest with my doctor, we can even track the nights out I have on the town when my pacemaker tracks irregular beats, cause he's always concerned ive switched modes... I keep a diary, get the print out and can go through it with him to tell him what I was doing when it happened. aleviate his fears that I need some sort of intervention... ... If u understand whats going on with your body you can always keep it in percpetive.

Anyway I pay him $400 aussie $$'s every 6 months for piece of mind, I walk away knowing that Im in safe hands and really just forget Ive got a pacemaker and just live a normal life.

You can too, you just need to find someone you can trust.. I know the heart is under control, its me that has to control the other aspects of my life to be healthy, fit and in control of me.

I dont know if you can bypass the clinics in the US but paying my private rates is a whole lot better than having some hospital employee who doesnt know you from Adam making decisions on your well being.

If you want to talk further please keep in touch.

Take Care
Narelle

Xanax and Wine?

by ted - 2009-07-13 09:07:58

Please get some professional help ASAP. It is obvious that you are self destructive. What business does your co-worker's wonderful husband have giving you Xanax? This is a very addictive drug and may not be given out by anyone except a physician following an examination. Drinking alcohol with Xanax is also a no, no. This is a deadly combination which has resulted in many deaths. You are risking your life by self-medicating and by not being 100% truthful with your doctors. Please do something to assure your being with us for a long time to come.

You know you're wired when...

You have a $50,000 chest.

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