Medical Bracelets, tears and chocolates

Well, here I sit in my kitchen sporting a so called beautiful medical ID bracelet on my left arm. I am not happy about this, nor am I pleased. I feel as if I have given in, that I have lost a battle. To the folks who love me it is a blessing. They can relax as they like to say... about me. They have been wishing that I would wear one since I was "blessed" with the PM in 2005!

I am reminded each time I move my arm that to a certain degree that I am not 100% dependent on myself. I have a little marvel of a gadget to keep my going buried just beneath the skin above my left breast. I am dependent on "it" to do it's job so I can continue to be of this world. I'm not angry or confused, just sad and a bit disillusioned by the fact that I need a bracelet.

During the recent car accident I was knocked silly and couldn't make any sense to the EMTs who came to help me. So my time to face reality has come. I need a medical bracelet.

I have always taken great pride in being independent. I don't feel independent and I feel very needy. I don't like feeling "needy". I don't think many of us do. To me the bracelet reminds me each time I see it that this is now true of me. needy Susie! :(

Odd thing is, that I was under the mistaken idea that I was in control of my life. he he... now I know the truth.

I am relieved that I can come here and get this off my chest... because I know it isn't going to help me any to dwell on this or to pout or whine much longer. No one wants to hear it! No one wants to see me cry.

No one around me understands what wearing this DA#@ bracelet means to me! I have to "get over it" that is what many of you will say, that is what my friends and family are saying... But what a price to pay. I finally must admit that I need a medical bracelet to keep me safe. The thought still troubles me....

Okay, so I am having a weak moment...I'm not perfect and I am going to allow myself a few minutes more of this rant and then I will close. Just admitting this all in type has brought me to tears. I don't know how other people deal with this issue, but I sure admire you!

I find it like letting go of the life I used to have. Things are different for me now than before. I feel as if I am moving into a new arena, a new stage of my life and I am not ready to let the life I love go! The transition is very painful.

I think I am going to have some chocolate! Maybe that special someone I love would like to share a chocolate kiss with me! I'll go and check! I don't have to give up everything!

My goodness this bracelet is shinny.... maybe it isn't so bad after all.... now if I can just figure out how to hide some chocolates in it!

Thank you for listening,
love, Pacergirl

13 Comments

ditto

by Tracey_E - 2008-11-13 09:11:22

Pass me some of that chocolate! :o) I totally understand what you are saying. This is part of why I've never wanted a bracelet. I rarely give my pm a thought and I don't particularly want a reminder every time I look at my wrist. Oh well! I'm trying very hard to be a grown up about this and wear my new bracelet cheerfully.

I understand

by lb151 - 2008-11-13 09:11:39

But,,,what a blessing you are still here and able to admire your new bracelet. It does remind us we have lost control of our lives,,but,dear,we have no control over them to begin with,,,only how we react to what happens in our lives. We can choose to give in to pain and depression or look it straight in the eye and say F__K you. I know from my own experience,I have to feel the pain and be depressed once in a while. Theres no shame in feeling that way,,shedding some tears. Then,,as my granny would say,,pull up your knee socks and get back in the game.

Have your pity party,then get back in your life,,,it may be the bottom of the 9th,,but I am still at bat.

susie

by jessie - 2008-11-13 10:11:17

it is with great compassion i mourn for you and me and all of us at this site.i too love my independance. i still have it but the thought from time to time returns as to how long? none of us know this. i have ordered my bracelet too. your story about your car accident prompted me to order one. it doesn't ever hurt to feel sorry for oneself as long as we don't continue and be locked in self pity. i have had may many losses in my life and now at 67 i expect them to continue. all i can do for myself is try to live healthy every day except of course a little chocolate as you pointed out in your post. chocolate makes me happy.it really does. lol i pray for all of us to be able to handle what we are dealt in this life. your friend with hugs jessie

Hey Cowgirl!

by candi51 - 2008-11-13 10:11:34

Hi there!
Ya know that song "Cowgirls don't cry"??
So untrue! I totally know how you feel as I am very independent as well. I always swore I would never take any meds because I didn't want to have to rely on them.
Now I'm "wired" and rely on meds every day. Guess it's a lesson in never say never- LOL or Cry- depends on the day. I do feel better knowing that if I can't speak for myself that the bracelet can do that. Guess it's a compromise. :-)
I am thankful to have met you and had your advice to help me through!
Looking forward to sharing more horse stories!!
Hugs & Smiles-
Candi

Awwwwww

by PeggyR - 2008-11-13 11:11:55

I have been on the edge of the same feelings, altho my PM is only 9 wks old. First time I accidentally rubbed the area when it itched drew my hand back like it had been burned, scared the something out of me and didn't like the feeling of the PM under the skin. Getting lil used to it now. I have been putting off ordering the bracelet, can't say exactly why -- maybe subconsciously some of the same thoughts. Think I will get a pretty one, did anyone order their bracelet online and if so, where? Thought they might have link on this site but haven't seen it. When I get ready for my pity party I will come to ya'll and invite you along. Meanwhile, take care and eat chocolate or maybe have creamsicle, lol.
Peggy

Don't worry be happy

by bitchee - 2008-11-14 01:11:45

Hey, chin up there... the bracelet is only as important as you let be.
I'm 41 years old and I admit I've never worn a bracelet, mainly because I only wear gold and spending that much on something I deem to be ugly just didn't appeal to me. lol
Now I bet you are wondering what that's got to do with you wearing one.
Well...I am currently on my third pacemaker and because of a previously placed faulty lead I have mine in my abdomen. I have the lead from the old one still stuck in my main artery and the scar from the original above my left breast, I also have a scar that continues from the middle of my chest (open heart surgery when I was four) to about thee inches shy of my bellybutton. I often joke that I look like someone tried to gut me. LOL
The last op was barely six months ago and the scar is over the old one, and is even worse than it was before.
Depressing you might ask?
Pfft I'm alive which is 40 years more than the doctors gave me.
I've lived with a pacemaker for 23 of those years and god willing I'll live with the next couple of models for another 30 at the very least.
Now for the important bit....
I've done everything you can imagine while wired.
I've flown in a glider, driven a race car, hitchhiked across Australia. I've been tattooed and pierced and traveled to the states twice to ride the scariest rides I could find after running out of the ones here in OZ. And by far my greatest achievement.... I've given birth to two beautiful children.
I've even been in a wreck that put my partner in the spinal unit for six weeks, but at no time in my life did I let the piece of metal in my body dictate my choices.
You only get one life and you should live it to the fullest.
So when you look at your bracelet and are tempted to feel sad remember this... it's a piece of metal that is there to give you and your loved ones piece of mind, not a chain keeping you fettered.
The only thing that really stops us from being independent is ourselves, our fears and insecurity are far more confining than a pacemaker or the drugs we need.
Maybe one day I'll get a bracelet.. and maybe I won't. But if I do I know for a fact that my life and the way I live it won't change.
And neither should yours.


Huggs... wired for life aka bitchee.
ps If anyone wants to talk or just ask a question you're welcome to email me direct.
bitchee@aapt.net.au

Another thought...

by dward - 2008-11-14 02:11:54

I have a PM. I have a Medic-Alert Bracelet...why?
One thing you may want to consider is that Medic response person who has to treat you in an accident and you can;t communicate.
I was a First Aider where I work - I responded to a woman, eight months pregnant - having what is called a grand mall seizure. No medic alert, No card, nothing.
We had NO IDEA what we were dealing with!!
I'm trying to cover ALL bases - getting ready to deliver a baby in a LUNCH ROOM (while wondering if the seizure is drug related, brain injury, work injury!!)
Turns out she had Epilepsy. Would have been nice to have known. I didn;t sleep for three days!!

A medic, First Aid Attendant, Ambulance Attendant - we are all in this to help people.
Knowing a person's pre-existing medical condition can save time AND a lot of stress to those people trying to help.
So... I wear mine. My choice - so that makes it in MY control.

To Pacergirl - What happens to you in life is not as important as what you do with it. Keep your chin up and keep the faith!!

bitchee

by Tracey_E - 2008-11-14 06:11:37

Read through some of the posts here over the last week regarding bracelets, specifically Susie's after her car accident and Live_Strong (she is a paramedic). Pacergirl and I are probably two of the most well adjusted pm patients you'll meet! Our gripe isn't with having the pm, it's that we've just come around to why we should wear the bracelets. I am tremendously grateful to have my pm, I'm not so happy about wearing a bracelet all the time ;o)

PeggyR

by Tracey_E - 2008-11-14 07:11:06

Check out
http://www.americanmedical-id.com
http://www.laurenshope.com/
I got mine from http://www.stuller.com/ but they're wholesale only so you'd have to know a jeweler who could order it for you.

I got a pretty gold charm bracelet from the last link but I also got an inexpensive one from american medical so I could get their online medical record. You can buy just the omr service but it comes free with any purchase so I figured I might as well get a second for the gym or backup. You can enter your entire medical history, insurance, emergency contacts, etc online then just put the phone number and access code on your bracelet. All my id will have is my name, "pacemaker" and the access information to get to the omr.

Come on Susie.

by Peter.Nash - 2008-11-14 08:11:49

wear your medal with pride....if it is not beautiful let the moth's out your purse and buy one that is!!!!!

I hate the reason I have to have a ICD but makes a good conversation peice just like your bracelet should.. thats the way I would look at it... I'll show anyone my scar even you ....if you show me yours he he. and keep off those chocolates
love mex

Just a last word or two...

by pacergirl - 2008-11-14 10:11:58

Yes, it's me... I was reading all the wonderful post regarding my feelings about "The Bracelet" There is a ton of very good advise here. I knew you would come through with your very candid and honest thoughts.

I'm thinking about posting a new picture of myself with my new Bling! I would like to ask if anyone else would like to post pictures of their unique bracelets. It would be very interesting to see how the Pacer Chicks and the Guys sport their Bling!

I think this could be fun, all it takes is a digital image, an arm with a bracelet and some clever photography! he he Just think of the fun we could have with this.... We could call it "What does your Bling say about you?" hee hee. I will get my camera ready. I may end up with a few pictures because of course I didn't buy just one!
Thanks everyone,
love, pacergirl

be thankful this isn't 1950

by iksonak - 2008-11-14 12:11:16

I too am a PM recipient from 2005. I got mine a week after our daughter got marred. I was thankful that the episode waited until after her beautiful wedding. I am a nurse. I kept wondering, "Why me?", but then kept thinking of all the patients I had way back in the early '60s who would have loved to have had a second chance at life. I don't ask "Why me?" anymore. Because now I have been able to hold the grandbabies that came out of our daughter's marriage, and I can do almost all the things I want to do. I am still working, and I see people who are afraid of receiving a pacemaker, and I find that opportunity to tel them that without the pacemaker, they will meet their Real Maker far too soon. And that alternative is not acceptable to me!! I have too much left to do before I meet my Maker!
Good Luck to you. And, wear that bracelet proudly, and remember many way before you that never had the chance to wear a bracelet signifying they have a PM.

You did the right thing!

by bambi - 2008-11-14 12:11:56

I know your family will have peace of mind, and in time, you will too! I started wearing a bracelet about a year after I got my pacemaker. One thing is true---- they are buggers to try to get off! Both my daughter and I tried to take it off before I had surgery last spring, and we failed! The nurse gave it a shot, then said to just keep the darn thing on! I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ when she couldn't get rid of the ruby slippers!
Bambi
PS: Does anyone know how you do get them off?

You know you're wired when...

You’re officially battery-operated.

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I finished 29th in London in 2 hours 20 minutes 30 seconds which is my fastest with or without a device so clearly it didn’t slow me down ! I had no problems apart from some slight chaffing on my scar - more Vaseline next time.