Depressed

• by petrolhead
• 2009-03-20 09:03:48
• Coping
• 1539 views
• 5 comments

I've been pretty depressed today, I'm not sure why. It's been a beautiful day and I spent most of it on the seafront with my friends and their month-old baby daughter. But my heart has continued to skip and the PM doesn't seem to kick in as often as it should. While I was watching TV about an hour ago it skipped several times and I felt quite dizzy. My life since July last year has been pretty hellish, with the uncertainty surrounding my heart condition, as it's only recently been properly diagnosed and treated. Until January, the cardiologists were still diagnosing it. All I want, now I have my pacemaker, is to be able to live life to the max. But I can't, because sometimes I have more energy than I know what to do with, and can walk for miles and miles without stopping, but sometimes I can barely get up the stairs without stopping to catch my breath! That's not how I envisaged my life at 21. In September I was diagnosed as having depression, so I've been having counselling every week, as the psychiatrist was unwilling to prescribe antidepressants because of my heart condition.
Some days I'm the happiest person in the world, invincible and unstoppable, dancing until 4am, but sometimes, like right now, I can cry at anything. I lost my TV remote and got so stressed I punched a wall. I've been getting very angry and stressed, my life seems so unfair. I was born with a cleft lip and palate so I've already had 12 operations, and was very badly bullied as a child. Just as I thought I could leave the constant hospital appointments and admissions behind me, all this happens and I have to go to cardiology at least once a year for the rest of my life - assuming I don't get hit by a bus tomorrow (trust me, with my luck recently, that's a very real possibility!) I could have 70+ years ahead of me! Until July, I was really happy in my job, with the prospect of being a paramedic, I was spending all my free time in my car with my friends, and I was the happiest girl alive. Now I can't be a paramedic as my service has a stupid policy stating that you can't drive an ambulance with a pacemaker, and the DVLA won't let me have my licence back until at least June. So I sold my beloved car, and I'd do anything to have it back.

I hate feeling so depressed, and I know that I should be feeling lucky to be alive, but at the moment I just don't. I want to be a normal 21 year old again.

I'm really sorry for venting like this, I can't confide in my friends or family, because nobody else I know feels like this. When will I stop feeling like this? My dad said I seem really distant, I don't really 'talk' to either of my parents any more, because I cause them enough worry and stress, without loading my feelings onto them. I hate feeling like this, I don't know what to do.