For those with a larger device, my sympathies...

• by R2D2
• 2024-01-30 18:18:18
• Coping
• 288 views
• 2 comments

I just want to extend my sympathies and understanding to those of you who have a CRT-D or ICD device like me. I don't know what I imagined it would be like to have something implanted in my chest, but whatever it was, I was really off base. For some reason, I thought after a couple of months that I wouldn't feel it anymore, that I wouldn't really even know it was there. That's simply not applicable. 

After 6 months, I'm still not comfortable. Right now as I type, I am sitting at my table on my laptop and I feel like there's a rock stuck in my chest. It feels hard, and there's a weight to it like it is about a pound. I have some spinal issues, a few bulging discs in my low back which make it difficult to sit up straight in a hard back chair, so I tend to lean one elbow on the table for support. But since my surgery, it isn't comfortable to do that. My device area feels like it's pulling and heavy. A feeling that's hard to describe. 

Then there's sleeping. I had to search far and wide to get a "pillow" that properly supports my whole shoulder so it won't droop on my side. If I don't, I can't fall asleep because it hurts. I can only sleep for a couple of hours tops on my left side, otherwise it's sore the whole next day. I'm thinking they installed my device fairly deep because it doesn't stick out hardly at all. I can still feel the bump, but it's not really visible in the mirror unless I turn sideways.

I am stubborn and like to do things myself, I don't just give up because something hurts; but every time I reach above my head to put dishes in the cupboard, it feels uncomfortable. Every time. If anything bumps my device, it hurts... still. 

These are life saving devices, for sure. I appreciate what I can only assume that it is doing for me since so far, there really isn't much change since last year. Maybe if I felt better by now, I would have a different outlook on the thing. I know it saved my life December 4th, and I have mixed feelings about that too. As I have degraded over the last few years, my only sollice was to think that what they were saying might actually come true, I might die in my sleep. That's the best way to go in my opinion. But now I can't even take comfort in that. This thing won't let me. That might be a scary red flag for some of you, but I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid I will take forever to go and be a drain on every family member and friend I have for the next how many ever years. 

For now, I am following all the rules, playing their game and hoping that this device actually helps me get some of my life back instead of just prolonging the inevitable. I feel rather cheated because I was groomed to think (before my surgery) that my CRT-D would change my life for the better within a few months. Yes... they told me that. I bought into it. Now they are saying, well... not everyone has those results. Convenient. Some days I just feel like a procedure, a number, and a statistic. 

On a positive note... I quit being dizzy when I lay on my left side or tilt my head to that side. That lasted for several months and now it's gone. Yay! I'll take the little improvements and be grateful for them. Plus, I haven't gained any weight since the dose on my Carvedilol was raised. That's another great thing! 

You guys... don't think that I'm just always negative and pessimistic. Actually I'm a pretty positive person and believe in the power of my own body to get better. I just post on here to vent some of my inner frustrations because you guys all "get" it. I wonder how many others feel like they have a rock in their shoulder? Or is it just me? LOL!